AWW HELL TO THE NAW!! (Chops Date File #1)

SPECIAL NOTE: PLEASE TAKE MY SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BLOG! A friend posed this question to me regarding her boyfriend of 6 months. He has never displayed any "gay" tendencies, but he is very very affectionate with everyone. Recently after dinner with him and his long time guy buddy (also straight), she witnessed her boyfriend giving his buddy a warm hug and a quick peck (kiss) on the lips. She made it very clear that he always gets aroused when in intimate settings with her, so much so that she cant even really fathom that he may not be fully straight. She's pretty convinced that he's just an affectionate guy! Please let me know what you think and if possible add a comment in the polls "comment space" or our chat box after you vote so I can understand where you're coming from. THANKS!!!
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Okay lovely people, you know the drill. I've highlighted the main points for those of you with a short attention span. Feel free to read the whole thing if you like :-)

**Please note that I have coined the phrase, "Aww Hell To The Naw" from the lovely and eloquent Mrs. Whitney Houston on the new reality show "Being Bobby Brown"**
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It was a very hot day on Saturday. I met up with a group of friends at the Greek Theater in Berkeley to enjoy a 9 hour Jazz Festival, with top artists such as Rachelle Ferrell, Laylah Hathaway, Kem, and Boney James!
Now, I dont want to sound pompous...what the hell! I was looking Goowd (better than good)! I had my hair all did up in spirals with a flower to the side, my pretty Aztec looking knee length skirt with my semi-dressy brown wife beater shirt on! Beg, can you say HAWT!!
So, at a certain point I headed down toward the bottom level near the stage (our group was sitting at the very tip top of the theater -closest to the hot blazing sun). I had to watch Rachelle Ferrell do her thing up close!
After watching her performance I began to make my way back up to the grassy area a billion miles away from the stage area. On the way up I noticed that the only men I seemed to be attracting were of the "geriatric era". You know, the ones 10 minutes away from needing you to bathe them and change their poopie diapers.
Anyways, I was blocking attacks all the way back to our set up on the hill when I saw someone I thought looked interesting. He had a nice frame (physically fit), nice face (which was partially covered by his hat). He had on jean shorts, tennis shoes, and this nice looking sleeveless sweater vest deal. He and his friend approached me and we all started to laugh about silly stuff, and of course I entertained them with my off-kilter wit.
The guy's friend's name, well, let's call him Brown. Well, Brown was really cool. He looked to be in his mid-30's. He happened to know all of the women I had met up with (they're all African American bay area lawyers) because he too is a lawyer.
His friend (the one in the hat), let's call him Slippery-G (you'll see why later) started to try to holla, so since I was beginning to get back out there on the "scene" I decided to throw the digits his way. We hung out the rest of the day, talking and laughing. It was fun! He told me how much he loved the movie, "Groundhogs Day" (one of my favorite movies EVER) and I told him how much I loved Whiskey. I'm just kidding. I wouldnt tell him that on the first day!! LOL!!

During our conversation he showed what a funny guy he was! He was telling me about how he didnt think anyone should ever mix wine and punch. He then started listing out all of the different drinks someone COULD mix, but not wine and punch. Then he quickly added, "Not that I'm a wino or anything." I must've laughed soooo hard! He was so good that he pretended with a straight face like he didnt know why I was laughing! I said, "You didnt say, 'not that I'm a drunk, or alcoholic'! No, you said, not that I'm a wino! Who says that today??!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!" He then started laughing along with me! Classic!

He could make his voice sound like he was from the south. He made it sound like an old southern preacher. I could see how it could get annoying if it was real, but I loved how he would clown around and start preaching in the middle of his sentences! What a jokester!!

So at the end of the festival we said our goodbyes and he promised to call me the next day in order to see when we can hook up before Tuesday (he had to fly to Europe for a week or two on business).

The next day I received Slippery-G's call. I'm not going to lie, his "funny" preacher voice was becoming a little annoying, but I let that go. He called to see if I wanted to hook up with him and go to the movies or something. I said cool. We ended up meeting up (a few cities away from my own) at Starbucks. I got there first so I ordered myself a Refresh tea and called Beg for some company.

As Beg can recount, I began to get a little nervous. I was really starting to get cold feet for obvious reasons. I started to panic, but Beg calmly reminded me that if he ended up being a freak I never had to talk to him again after today. Comforting enough.

As her reassuring words began to truly sink down into my subconscious, I looked out the Starbucks window to my right and I saw someone that closely resembled Mr. Slippery-G. I had to look a few times because this guy really resembled him, but it COULD'NT be him! I mean, for one thing, this guy was dressed like a 50+ year old man "trying" to look "hip". He was wearing a long silk shirt, tailored silky slacks, and the tipper...with shoes that closely resembled moccasins! You know, those soft leather slipper-like shoes that many of the 50+ generation wear? Yeah, well this guy was wearing the hell out of them.

I looked out the window at the guy a third time as he slowly approached the Starbucks and to my surprised the guy waved at me! What the HELL??? I went into shock, and started rambling into the phone, "Oh my goodness! It think that's him! How old IS HE????" AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!
Beg did what she could to calm me down before he walked through the door, then she hung up. Slippery-G walked up to me and gave me a big hug. We sat for a minute and talked about what we would do next. We decided to go to the movies to see "Wedding Crashers" (funny flick!).
As we walked to the theater (a few blocks down) I noticed that he walked with a limp. Not the hip replacement type of limp, but the, "I used to think I was a pimp" type of limp. I let that go too...for the moment. I had already made my mind up that I was ready to end the date because he was absolutely the opposite of what he portrayed the day before!

Anyway, on the way up the stairs to find a good seat, Slippery-G fell face first onto the stairs! His slippery slipper shoes were obviously not cutting it! LOL! Now I know it's mean to laugh, but if you would've seen how that man went down you would've been howling too!! The rest of the theater did! He was fine though, he made just one comment, "You werent supposed to see that." DUHH!! LOL!

We settled down in the theater and the flick started. It was cool for a second until the first funny incident occurred in the movie. Have you ever been annoyed by that ONE person in the audience right behind you that cackles like a doped up hyena, or maybe they sound like a cracked-out baboon? I have a good hunch it could've been my date "Mr. Slippery-G." He was so annoying that I wanted to take him out back and flog him.

Let's see if I can explain the laugh. Um. Okay. So it started out high pitched, like a little girl screeching at the top of her lungs, then it lowered into a kind of belching/shivering sound. It was one of the most horrendous sounds EVER!! People kept turning around and staring at us. I tried to pretend I wasnt with him, but every time he screamed...I mean, laughed, he would put his hand on my knee and pat it like he was close to falling down again and needed my knee to keep him in an upright position. I honestly felt violated and wanted to put that drink holder arm down between us as a barrier.

After the movie, as I was making my way towards the stairs Slippery-G asked me to wait up because, "Wow! I've gotta get the circulation back in my legs!! Ha Ha Ha!"

I laughed at that and kept walking thinking it was a joke, but when I turned around this fool was actually doing mini-squats in the movie theater isle to get his blood flowing again!! AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now some people may say I'm just way too nice, but I just didnt see anyway to leave at that point without hurting his feelings, so when he asked if we could get something to eat at TGI Fridays, I said, "Um...okay I guess."

At TGI Fridays we got a booth that he said was, "Too soft and cushy for me!" I laughed, but at this point I was sick of pretending to be amused by him. In order to avoid the uncomfortable silence I asked him a few questions about his life and he went on a tangent for at least 2 hours talking about himself. I think I could have actually soiled myself, fallen asleep, and disappeared under the table and he would've kept on talking about how wonderful he was and how bay area women are so sadidy and how they keep thinking they're "Champagne", but not realizing they're actually "lemon water." Whatever the hell that means!

Next we started talking about relationships and he asked about my last serious relationship. I told him a little about my ex, Mr Jacka$$ Circus Midget (for details go HERE , then go HERE for P2)I asked if he had ever been married before. He told me that he had been married for 3 years before divorcing. I asked why they divorced and he said it was because they married when they were, "Really, really, really young." I asked how old he was when he had gotten married and he said "26."

Now, I thought it was odd that he considered 26 to be "really, really, really young." I think it's young but not that young! That's only 3 years younger than m...er...I mean Beg. This comment sparked my ultimate curiosity.

I continued my probe and asked if he had any kids in that marriage and he got really uncomfortable. He answered that he had a daughter before getting married. I asked how old she was. He completely turned his head and looked guiltily in the other direction. I repeated my question and he finally answered..."TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!" AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

I nearly gagged on my lemon water!!! I found a way to choke out the question, "Well how old are you?????????!!!!!!"



Once again I had to ask him twice before he would look me in the eye and tell me. "I'M FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!"

Now anyone who's dealt with the "OG-TBY-AHOG-TDA" (Old Gangstas Tryna Be Young And Hit On Girls their Daughters Age) crew, you know that when they say 45 years old they really mean between 50 and 55 years old. AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now my eyes were bugging out of my head at this point and I was really about to lose my lunch. Somehow I found the strength to keep it down though. I was out with a guy just a few hairs younger than my own father!!! The more I looked at him I was noticing #1 It's totally possible to have mistaken him for much younger (most African American people age very gracefully) and #2 How much I wanted to kick him in his basket head for being so deceiving!!

I pushed my anger aside and I asked him a very important question, "HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM???" To my relief and dismay he answered, "Mid to late twenties."

I say to my relief because I was beginning to think I was starting to look much older than my years, and I was dismayed because his answer meant that he was really on the prowl for young tenderoni's the same age as his daughter!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dinner ended shortly after his "coming out", and when he walked me to my car he handed me his card so that I could email (aww) him (hell) while (to) he (the) was (naw!) on (ew) his (ew) business (ew) trip (ew) in (ew) Europe (ew)!!! I told him I'd be in contact and gave him a "C" shaped hug (intended to keep any body part -except the arms- from touching the other parties father-like body), and we parted ways.

Overall I had a very horrible date and it really has me apprehensive about ever doing it again! I'm still grossed out and I dont know how to make this creepy feeling inside go away! Ewwwwww!

So any-who, at least I know now that when he said "wino", when he needed to push the blood back down to his lower half after the show, when he started sounding like an old southern preacher, that he wasnt kidding around. So I guess he's not funny at all.


I dont know if I'll have any other dating files after this one for awhile. I'm pretty grossed out. We shall see. Excuse me. I have to bathe again to wash the old daddy-dirty off.

Always in love...unless you have the nerve to try to learn all about the younger culture, dress like the younger culture, hang with the younger people, hit on the younger women, and cant seem to make it up the stairs at the theater because you're wearing women's moccasins!! They have orthopedic shoes that work much better and you'll have the security of knowing that your feet will remain firmly planted on the floor...unless that hip goes out again! LOL! Jerk.

P.S. I apologize to any "mature" men or women that may have been reading this post and were inadvertently offended. 55 really isnt that old. But if you're 55, lurking around in the shadows, preying on younger women, while intentionally being elusive about your age and pretending to be a MUCH younger man, you deserve to be called a dirty old geezer, and you should have your jello privileges revoked for at least a year, and only one diaper changing a month. That'll teach you! But for the rest, I have nothing but love and respect for you!

***REMEMBER TO VOTE AND COMMENT ON THE SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL!!! THANKS!****

Lambchop (Chops)~

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