7:30 AM
B.E.G
I can’t sleep!!! After tossing and turning for the last three hours I decided to give up the fight and just get up. It’s 7:30am and I’ve been up since 12:00pm yesterday. That bastard Mr. Sandman has left me in bed alone, awake, and bored once again. The control freak in me seems to think that she can change my schedule and make me sleep at night on my off days (and during the day on work days)but I guess it didn’t work tonight.
Anyway, I got to see my favorite comedian Paul Mooney at a small comedy club in SF with Chops, Jame and my mom (which was a bit odd because she is very conservative) last night. I can’t even begin to tell you how funny he was but that was really no surprise. Not much else to say about that (plus I’m sure one of my cohorts will elaborate) but I do have one question. Why is there always at least one drunk MF that has to act like a Ni**a (Mooney’s word not mine)? The fool tonight started off mildly enough yelling out the occasional “ I love you Ni**a!” Then progressed to a full on Turrets fit jumping up and down, beating his chest like a baboon, while cussing out Paul Mooney who up until that point was trying to ignore him. Of course Mr. Mooney let him know what was up but unfortunatly the show ended right when it started getting good. Oh well.
Now, on to the actual reason for this post. A recent event in my life has caused me to question the people I allow in my circle. Specifically the friendships I develop with people. I think that most people come into my life for a specific duration of time to fulfill a need, a desire, or a purpose (or for me to fulfill a purpose in their life). I have some friendships that I believe will last a lifetime like Jame and Chops. I have other friendships that have existed for short intervals then fizzled out like friendships with past co-workers. In all friendships (and relationships) I try to determine what access level I feel comfortable granting someone in my life. This is usually base on what I know about the person and how comfortable I feel with them. That may sound distant or sterile but it’s for good reason. When I open myself up to someone in any capacity I open up myself to a whole range of emotions, experiences, and feeling including being hurt. As a friend I try to be open, honest, caring, selfless, supportive, etc…all the usual friendship expectations and in turn I expect the same treatment. I guess sometimes I set my expectation to high.
Recently someone I consider a friend did something that I felt was…well…I guess just WRONG! I’m not going to go into pointless detail but suffice it to say that it’s something I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) do to my worst enemy. This person totally disregarded me, our friendship, and made a decision that could have possibly impacted my life. To add insult to injury when confronted they acted like it was a trivial laughing matter. I am very forgiving and until now I didn’t realize that I had the ability to stay mad for more than 30 minutes. While I have told this person that I forgive them (and I do) I just can’t seem to get over the anger and outrage I still feel. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic but I feel like I’ve been victimized and I no longer have the desire or ability to open myself up for further hurt. I don’t think that this person has the capability to understand the effect of that bad decision. I have a very hard time opening up to people and this experience has made me feel like I don’t ever want to open up again. So what’s the point? Well from now on I plan to make a conscious effort to surround myself with people who are on a similar life path. I want people in my life who are not only respectful of me and who I am but of themselves as well. I can’t expect someone who does not understand their own value to understand mine.
To you, I do not write this to insult, embarrass, belittle or hurt. I write this to work through my own anger. While I do completely forgive you and do not judge your decision you need to realize that every action has a reaction and I guess this is just mine. I just need some time and space. I hope that “Time heals all wounds” thing is true.
Guess I'll try that whole sleeping thing again now that the sun is out.
~B.E.G~
Posted in: B.E.G's Posts
7 comments:
I've set expectations too high too and found that it's one of the hardest things to accept that people are not perfect and then to actually not get mad, frustrated, or hurt over it.
When it comes to friends, there are many levels. It sounds fortunate that you have two (Chop and Ja Me) at the top of the pyramid where there are few people but the level of trust is high.
I am a chronic insomniac. I can never get to sleep at night. If they laughed it off either they were trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal hoping you would think the same or maybe they just didn't realize how big of a deal it was to you. I know I've done that quite a few times in my life. Hurt someone and didn't think what I did was that hurtful because it wouldn't have been that hurtful if it was done to me. Everyone doesn't see the world the way you do right away, but I'm sure in time they'll come to see the error of their ways.
I agree with both G & manNmotion. It's really hard to learn to expect/accept imperfection in others...especially in situations where you would have done the "right thing", or rather, taken the more appropriate action.
We all make mistakes, and though you now know that you may need to be more aware of the situations you allow yourself to be in with certain folks, try not to harbor any ill will towards them (easier said than done, I know). After all they're learning on this road called life just like the rest of us.
Oh- and dont worry about how you feel right now. God'll help you work through the range of emotions and get you to a place of true forgiveness and peace - but you already know that!
Luv u BEG! Sorry I couldnt stay up with you. I'm trying this new thing called sleeping at night for once!
Chops~
Is it weird that the tighttest friends tend to be threesomes? Sometimes there may be a fourth. But the fourth got in by some type of default.
I completely feel you on this post. I believe that most people come in and out of our lives to fulfill a certain purpose too. I hope that you don't take the betrayal too hard and remember that you do have some true friends out there.
@mannmotion- I am very blessed to have such great friends. Thanks for the comment.
@G- Your probably right. I don't think the person is aware that I was hurt.
@Chops- Great advise as usual.
@Call2Arms- Strange but true.
@Miki- Good advise, Thanks for stopping by.
@Coley- See you when you get back.
@Brutha-Free- Yeah, I think it will all work itself out....I am very interested in your suggestions. ;-)
@soulfularies- True, thanks.
Does time really heal ALL wounds? Last year, two long time friends fell out of favor with me; I haven't been able to look at them the same way after their betrayal.
When friends wrong you, it feels like the ultimate violation or breach of trust. It's been months since their respective betrayals and yet I still have no words for either one.
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