Catch Up.

*This is the follow up to the previous post about my home buying nightmare.*

Sooooo where did we leave off? Oh yes, the fire. I found out the day after I had all the locks changed that a fire had destoryed half of the building the night before. The fire stopped about 10 Ft from my front door. Luckily the smoke smell killed the stench that the the squatter left behind. With all of his crap out on the deck I painted, cleaned, packed, cleaned, had the carpet ripped out, cleaned, changed the fixtures, cleaned, oh and did I mention cleaned. (I had lots of help from my blogmates, Coley, Dana, Sassyx, and several family members.)

After playing phone tag with the squatter's brother I was able to get authorization to dump all of the crap he left behind (which cost me$400). They agreed to pay for the removal costs if I would allow them to go through the storage unit (which I did). I finished painting and planned to officially move in the following week.

The day before the move I stopped to drop off a few items and found a note on the front door. It said that the city would be doing asbestos abatement (due to the fire) and that my hallway was off limits for the next week. I had already hired movers and changing the move date was out of the questions. Damn! Damn! Damn!

The next day the movers arrive (5 1/2 hours late) and begin loading my furniture. Only one of the three movers spoke English and he had the nerve to have an attitude because he thought my bedroom furniture was to large. I have no idea how he planned to fit and entire apartment into a truck the size of a large van but I guess you get what you pay for. Half way through the loading process he asks me "What would you rather have...your couch or your bed?" I. Lost. It (for the 12th time). What would I rather have??!!!! I want both dumb ass!!! He then offers to take my bed and half of my couch (it has a lounge attached to it). WTF am I gonna do with half a couch. He ended up charging me and extra $25 to take my bed apart and left the dresser mirror behind. I tried to give him directions to the new address but he asked if he could follow me instead. I agreed without knowing that the trucks top speed was 40 mph (going downhill). Anytime I exceeded that speed I lost the movers. I have never been cussed out so many times while driving in my entire life.

We arrived at my new place and found the hallway entrance covered in plastic with toxic agent warning signs hanging everywhere. Thank God my door was just outside of the quarantined area and the unloading went smoothly. After an hour the mover tells me that they were having a problem getting the top of my bed up the stairs (the canopy section). I said fine and assumed that they would continue to try. Another hour later he (the english speaking one) comes to the door and say "All done!" Whoo-Hooo! I was exhausted and ready to call it a day. I walked around to make sure everything was accounted for and noticed that my bed was missing. I asked him:

Me: "Where is my bed?
Mover: "Oh, I think it's out front."
Me: "Okay, so are you gonna get it?"
Mover: "No."
Me:"No?!!!"
Mover: "No".
Me: "Well why not!?"
Mover: "I told you we were having a problem getting it up the stairs."


I was to tired to fight and didn't know what else to say so I walked away to sulk. I gave some thought to trying to kick his ass but then I realized that perhaps that wasn't the best idea since he was quite a bit larger than I am. Eventually Coley and the others took over.

Coley:"So what are you gonna do? Leave it in front of the building?"
Mover: "Yep."
Coley: "You have to try to get it up here another way."
Mover: Getting into his buffalo I'm gonna kick your ass stance, "Are you saying that it's my fault that it doesn't fit?"
Coley: "No! But you have to try getting it up another way!"

Mover: (yawning) "I don't have the equipment, maybe I'll come back tomorrow."

Coley: "No you won't, you'll try now! Come on I'll show you how to do it."

Mover: "It's not gonna work but whatever."

After a lot of persuading the movers pushed the railing up to the balcony and we pulled it up to the 2nd floor. The movers grudgingly re-assembled the bed and left. After all of that they had the nerve to look surprised when I didn't give them a tip.

Think that's the end of the story? Of course not! A couple of days ago I left for work and found 6 police officers in the hallway. After some snooping I found out that my next door neighbor decided to end his life in his living room. (I wondered why his TV had been on non-stop for the last 4 days). Apparently he had been there for several days before anyone found him. Ewwww! Also, the squatter has decided not to reimburse me the $1007.58 he owes me. I guess I'll be taking a trip to small claims court.

In other news I got a kitten that seems to like swimming in the toilet. Yep, that's about it.

*Birthday countdown!!!!.....9 days to go!*

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The Joy Of Being A FREAK MAGNET!

And the party never stops....

Seein' as how the other birds have been stricken mute, I'll go again.

As per my last post, I have just recently moved into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVE! The longer I'm here the more I adore it.

I was really blessed with the moving process and I met the tenants on both sides of me and they were all very cool. The neighbors on my left side are 2 gay men in the mid to late 40's bracket who live together, but I dont think they're really out of the closet since one of them refers to his mate as his "brother". I dont know, maybe this is a new term for life partner, or significant other in the gay community. Either way, they seemed really cool.

As a matter of fact, the first one that I met was Que-ball (the bald one). He happened to be coming down his stairs when I was moving a large piece of furniture up the 3 flights of stairs with one of my dearest gal-pals, Moe.

On Que's way down he stopped and asked if we needed his help. We both said, "sure!" and dropped the large item on the ground so that he could carry it on up the stairs for us (hell, if he was offering we were takin'!). His heart was really in the right place, it really was, but unfortunately his body wasn't cooperating.

As soon as Que laid both arms around the furniture, he let out this blood curdling, girly-I'm being chased by the zombie dancers in the Michael Jackson thriller video- scream! My girl Moe and I were startled, and asked him if he was okay. He just replied, "Tendinitis".

We told him to forget about it and picked up the large furniture again and started up the next flight of stairs. He stopped us again in our tracks expressing how much he wanted to help us, and um...maybe his "brother" could help..."Oh, no. That's right, my brother has a broken foot." (Lovers spat maybe???)

We told Que not to worry about it, I mean, we had made it this far, we could certainly make the move on our own. He insisted on guiding us up the stairs. I'm still trying to understand the point of this. We both have eyes, we both have feet that function, our motor skills are top notch at this point in our lives, why the hell would we need someone to tell us we're about to come upon another flight of stairs, or that my front door is directly behind me??? Pointless.

Anyway, Que "helped" us with that item and then left. A few hours later I met his partner (brother), who introduced himself. He came up and told me his name and the name of his son. Then he said, "Um, I think you already met my, um, um...."

"BROTHER?" I finished for him.

"Uh, yeah." He replied. Then he waddled on up the stairs (broken foot) and left me to complete my move.

Now I wont lie and say that I wasnt a bit glad that my closest neighbors were gay (= not interested in me!). I'm a naturally paranoid person (which I'm working on) and I'm always sure that most guys have ulterior motives when feigning friendship with women. When you least expect it, the catch you off guard by going in for the kill (=sexual innuendo, unsolicited attempts at fondling body parts!). Needless to say, I was quite pleased!

So imagine my surprise today when I walked up and found a yellow note stuck to my door (which is directly across from theirs). Ja-me just happened to be with me helping me move yet another load of crap into my already cramped apartment.

I read the letter to myself then passed it on to Ja-me to experience for herself. I'll let you do the same (word for word with a couple of personal thoughts that I had while reading it, as well as interpretations, reading between the lines):

"Hello Chops,
I'm Que, your neighbor across from you. Just dropping a line to say hello. I hope you are settled in by now. (***Chop's thought: "He really should have stopped right here"***)

When I first saw you I could not help but notice how beautiful you are and it made me want to get to know you to see how equally beautiful you probably are on the inside (=You're cute. I want to screw you and see if you're still cute afterwards).

If you are not presently involved in a relationship, I would like to take you out to dinner or go to San Francisco and enjoy it's beautiful (***Chop's though: "No, this isnt a typo, I write it how I see it"***) while we walk talk and get to know each other (=If you want, I can spend some money on you, you know...wine and dine you so you realize how great I am, then we can screw or I'll take what I spent on you out of your a$$.)

My number is 1-800-psycho-undercover-stalker. Have a blessed day!(= I can hear you playing Christian music through the wall and I think this'll probably get me to first base.)
And by the way, you have a very nice Volvo.... (***Chops thought: WTF??!!!!"***) (=I've been watching your every move. Dont think for a second that you're alone. I'm making a people coat out of human skin, and may or may not be interested in trying out yours, while I quote: "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" from the movie "Silence of the lambs")
Que"

So I guess my initial impression was completely incorrect. I suppose he's not gay and that his "brother" is really his brother. Hmmmm. My bad. This really sucks. It really sucks because now I realize that this fool has been watching me. He obviously knows my comings and goings. Somehow he knows the car I drive (which he so freakishly brought up for no logical reason other than to freak me the hell out), and he obviously knows I'm single since I just moved in and havent had many men over (which is going to change immediately for appearance sake).

Unfortunately we share a few walls too. My bathroom wall is also his bathroom wall I think, and my living room wall is another one of his walls. It also sucks because now I'm really paranoid about this fool watching me come and go out of his doors peep hole, and listening to my conversations. I never noticed how thin the walls were until now! I can hear him walking around!!

Well if I run into him I plan on just being up front. "I got your letter, and I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. I think you're really cool though and like I said, it was really flattering! Ummmm I gotta go walk my friends chia-pet now, so ummmm, bye!" We'll see how this all turns out.

Why the hell do I attract such freaks and weirdos??!!! I swear, I must have a sign that illuminates whenever a freak comes my way that reads, "I love freaks! Please come stalk me, harass me, be my big ol' suga-daddy!!"

That's it. I'm moving to Tibet.

Always in love...unless you're a stalker freak with tendinitis who doesnt have the back bone to be a man and approach the stalkee head on. Instead you lurk in the shadows like a sissy prick. Freak!

Lambchop~

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Not Dead....Just Moving!!!

TAKE THE NEW SONGBIRDS POLL 9/16

We hear ya Grasshoppah!! Please calmly place the shank on the ground and slowly back away from the weapon!!

No, we're not dead, or sick, or in rehab (except for maybe one of the songbirds)!

Beg and I have been moving, and Ja-me has been looking for a place to move...ScorpioK has been taking care of her 30 common law kids. But I think the hiatus is finally over!!

A Quick Stale (old and dated news) Update (note that I'm rush typing so it's gonna be choppy):

Beg has been getting settled in her new condo. The squatters stuff is finally gone and she just bought a kitten which she's named Napoleon Dynamite (she can go into details on how she was told by ScorpioK that the kitten was a girl, but turns out it's either a boy or a hermaphrodite).

Ja-me has been working like a big dawg, finally admitted to her shopping addiction, and is almost ready for the next step...doing something about it!

ScorpioK has taken on what seems to me to be about 30 kids in addition to her one natural born...you're better than me girl!

And me...well, I've moved to a new apartment and I LOVE it! I now live only 5 minutes away from work and about 20 minutes away from Beg.

Other Stale News:

A few weeks ago I went to the circus with Ja-me and her 2 little ones. My, oh my, what a time we had!

We saw all the animals first, and it was so cute the way her kids were so amazed by the elephants! Adorable! Then we went into the arena early to see the acrobats and the pre-show Ring Master do their thing up close and personal.

As soon as we made our way down onto the arena floor I noticed that the pre-show ring master was all up in my grill. For a minute I thought maybe he wanted to induct me into the circus life as one of the circus freaks, but he soon made it clear he was just enamored.

Every time I glanced behind me to where he was commentating he was gawking at me. Next thing I know I started noticing the circus midgets staring at me!! I thought I had outgrown midgets!!!

As I was experiencing the clown show with Ja-me's youngest I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and this decent looking tall black man was standing there. Our conversation:

• TBM: "Excuse me beautiful. I think that man with the microphone is trying to get your attention. I thought he was looking at me, but now I see he was actually looking at you."
• ME: "Oh. I see." (giving a quick glance in the direction of the pre-show ringmaster)
• TBM: "Is she your sister?" ( motioning at Ja-me)
• ME: "No, we're friends."
• TBM: " She's GORGEOUS!!"
• ME: "I know!"
• TBM: "I just wanna grab her hair and pull it!!!"
• ME: (a bit startled and concerned that he may be an escaped mental patient prone to hair pulling and biting strangers) "Ummm. What's your name?" (so that I'd have plenty of details to provide to the authorities)
• TBM:"Oh! I'm Knott. What's yours?" (his name has been altered)
• ME: "I;m Chops and that's J" (He introduced himself to Ja-me)
• TBM: "Where are y'all sitting?" (I pointed it out) "Oh. I'm sitting near you guys I think."

We said our goodbyes and then moved along.

When we had gotten back to our seats I noticed that the pre-show ringmaster kept saying happy birthday to someone with the same name as me, but I paid him no mind. Ja-me finally informed me that every time he wished a "very special happy birthday to Chops" he was staring dead in my face. I looked up and lo and behold he was! I just laughed and pointed in his direction that I "got it". How the hell did he know my name????

Finally the show started and the parade of animals came trotting out with all of the Other performers and here comes pre-show ringmaster trotting down the path on his horse looking like a black Will Rogers! LOL! He just had to stop right in front of our section and do a special side step and wave with a big ol' cheese! LOL! I was just laughing my arse off!

Once the show was underway the new ringmaster appeared and it took about a good 15 minutes for me to realize that the new ringmaster was actually Knotts!! Apparently they were tag teaming us. I guess it's what they do... in every new city seek out cuties in the audience and hope that they're ringmaster groupies.

At intermission I dragged Ja-me and the kids out to the concession stand to avoid a chance encounter with the pre-show ringmaster. At the condiments table I noticed once again that everyone was staring in my direction. I turned around and yup, pre-show ringmaster was standing there behind me in all of his glittery ringmaster glory.

I was immediately mesmerized by the beautiful greyish-red hue of his caked on makeup (it's so sexy when you feel like you could cut it with a knife), not to mention the way the long chunky strands of his S-curl laid waxed to the side of his head. I tried to keep my composure, but I admit it, I squirreled a little.

He told me that he'd been trying for so long to get my attention but that I wasnt paying him any mind. Then he asked if the kids were mine, I said no. Then he told Ja-me that Knotts sends her a big fat sloppy wet kiss on the back of her neck!!! Ja-me kind of laughed it off, but I could tell she was disgusted!!

He then asked my age and if I was single. I didnt want to lie so I answered honestly. The problem with this is that it makes it very difficult NOT to hurt peoples feelings one way or another. Anyway, then he asked if I had a number, and I said yes. He waited a beat or two then asked if he could have the number. I said, "Umm. I guess so."

I know you're wondering why I gave my number even though I was obviously not interested. This is the deal. I was interested in finding out how he ended up in the circus and I was also trying this new "thing" where you go out with ALMOST anyone at least once. I began to rethink this new "thing" as soon as the digits were in his hands.

He asked if I was busy after the show at about 945pm. I told him I didnt know. He said he'd call. And he did, at 1140 pm (notorious booty call hours). Of course I didnt answer the call. That's soooo disrespectful! He called again at 12am, then again at 1245am.

The next morning he called at 10am, then again at 12pm, then again at 4pm. After the 4pm call I think a few of the midgets gathered together, tackled him, and wrestled the phone out of his hands, cause he hasnt called since.

New dating lesson>>>
It's best to inform the person that you arent "available" if you arent interested. That way you arent lying - you really arent available...to him. Plus, if you blatantly say that you arent attached but you dont want to give them your number you'll have to deal with the follow up inquisition and run the risk of being called a b*tch.

Yup. Next time I wont even give the number cause now I'm stuck screening phone calls for the next month and feeling horrible that his ego may be bruised. After all, he's a ringmaster! A woman would be crazy to pass on that!!

In a rush so more lata.

Always in love unless you're a man with an extra long S-curl that you have the tendency to flip around like a horse thereby spraying innocent bystanders in the eye with your curl activator.

P.S. The pre-show ringmaster did seem cool from our 2 second conversation, but honestly the worst turn off was that he and his friend were so cool with talking dirty-ish to Ja-me right in front of her kids. That's a no-no. Common sense must be lacking.

Lambchop (Chops)~

Pics I love:














Please peep the guy in the background who posed with us for this picture and came up afterwards to see how he looked!!! Can anyone find Waldo?














Us at the Raheem Devon concert in SJ, CA

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KATRINA

Hurricane Katrina Relief

I am so overwhelmed with emotions for the victims of hurricane Katrina that I don't know what to say. You can donate to the red cross online here or make a donation by phone at 1-800-HELP-NOW. Please be sure to specify that you are donating to hurricane relief.

I'm sending my prayers and lots of love to everyone affected by this tragic event.

....I'll update about the house drama on my next post.

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