THE OFFICIAL SLAP YOUR CO-WORKER DAY!

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:

1. You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
2. You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
3. You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
4. No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
5. CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
6. If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!!

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Extra! Extra! Chili Finger Discovered! Fast Food Horror!!!

NOTE - PLEASE TAKE THE SONGBIRDS POLL IN RED ON THE RIGHT - THANKS!

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I know that I said I wouldnt blog until after Ja-me next posts, but I had to get this off my chest. I saw on the channel 7 news that a human finger was discovered in a bowl of Wendy's fast food chili today in San Jose, Ca!!!

Go Here To View The News Video: ABC7 News Top Stories

Here's the run down: a lady in her 20's was happily eating her chili (just as I do almost daily). She got a really good spoon full and stuffed it into her mouth. She tried to chew the savory meat chunk and noticed she couldnt bite through it. She promptly spat the thickness out into a napkin and peered at it. And there, in her napkin, lay an inch long finger complete with an intact finger nail! She thrust the napkin onto another patrons table and told them what she had been chewing and sucking on and they began to gag (they too were eating Wendy's delicious chili). When they went to the counter to inform the employees, they were told that it was just a large vegetable and continued to sell the chili to other patrons. Police eventually came on the scene at which point all chili sales halted.

I am disgusted and appalled!!! I loved that chili!!! Ja-me & Beg can attest! It was just so rich and tangy, so flavorful and meaty! Now I just dont know if I'll ever be able to look at that little red headed girl the same.

WHO THE HELL GETS THEIR FINGER RIPPED OFF AND DOESNT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT???? Currently the health folks are doing the whole investigation deal by making rounds to all the factories and having the employees show that they arent missing any fingers...so far nothing.

Now I'm thinking...if this could happen to my beloved chili, it could happen anywhere! I know this goes without saying, but it never hit home like this before! I think I finally got the jolt I needed to start a healthier lifestyle.

Goodbye Wendy's chili. We had a good run. Gas be dayumed! We had such a good thing! But now it's over. It's just all over....

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why????!!!!

This reminds me of an incident I had with my ex boyfriend Mr. Pillsbury Dough Boy (before the circus midget - Click Here To Read About Him: Attack of the Jack ass Circus Midget and The Empire Strikes Back Agains The Jackass Circus Midget) about 7 years ago:One morning I was watching a honey nut cherrios commercial and I was really craving it (BEG & I used to eat cereal all day, every single day...frosted flakes remember BEG???).

I asked Mr. Pillsbury Dough Boy to go to the store and get me some (it's not like he had any other responsibilities). I explicitly told him NOT to go to the ghetto store on the corner that always had rodents and crack heads hanging around it. He promised...PROMISED!!!

He came back with my cherrios and I dug in. I was shoveling it like a big dawg (I was fresh out of the Army and that's just how we ate). I wasnt looking at my bowl, I was just going at it. For some reason I decided to look down before the next spoonful hit my lips, and I saw them.

Millions of little larva maggots hibernating inside each and every O with some furry *ish surrounding them!!!! I threw up right there. I was sick for days. We almost broke up over that *ish!! He told me he was too tired to go the extra 2 blocks to the "clean" store for me so he LIED and said he did!

I didnt eat cereal for 4 years straight, and when I first started to eat it again I always-ALWAYS checked it out before I ate...and I mean emptied the entire contents into a large bowl and sifted through it with microscopic vision.

I'm traumatized again. Oh Food Why Cant They Just Let Us Be Happy???

Always in love...unless your sick a$$ will allow a shipment of meat to go out with your detached finger in it without alerting someone, thereby ruining the relationship I have with my local Wendy's establishment...sick bastard!!!

Lambchop~

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"Beat Them Kids!" My Reply To Your Comments~

Y'all are way too much! I loved reading your comments! My replies were getting kinda wordy so I decided to make them into a new post.

Unfortunately kids dont come out understanding that they should revere authority/parental figures...it must be taught!!!

Praise to all you parents out there that have not crumbled every time your kid cries and tells you they hate you because you wont give in to ridiculous requests that will hinder their growth....

Like my Pastor says, "you either pay now, or you pay later...with interest!"

A Quick One or Two:
My friend actually almost got into a fight with a lady in a grocery store because she saw that the womans little boy was knocking items off the shelf onto the floor. When my friend commented to her about her child, the mother had a fit and started cursing her out! How sad is that? I guess that old saying, "it takes a village to raise a child" doesnt apply anymore.

I believe we (the community -AKA- village) should have the right to beat the hell out of YOUR kids in public if YOU (the parent) wont. There is a fine line between "child abuse" and "discipline". The difference is that with discipline the parent would explain to the child in a loving way why they have to beat the bejeezes out of the kid so that the kid will understand their part in the situation. This way if the kid passes out you shouldnt feel too bad (you know I'm joking!).

Did anyone see the Nanny on Monday night??? Crazy! There was a little 3 year old boy who only pee's outside (on the lawn, bushes, plants on the side of the house, curb...etc). The mom actually walks him outside like he's a freaking schnauzer to do his business on the lawn!! Then she tells the little boy she's proud of him since he's making the plants grow!!! The mom & dad have also been sleeping with their kids since birth (the eldest was 7 I think)! I'm telling you, some people are sick.


REPLIES:

Hey Dee:
Girl your usernames are killing me!!LOMAO @ "...and they wonder why lil Shaniqua is failing all her classes and Devontaye jr. stole part of the rent money...."

ManNMotion & BEG:
You know what? If you guys DO have kids I WOULD watch them...as long as they dont act up like BEG's little brother used to ;-)

Youtoldharpotabeatme:
Girl you are too funny! A military chick like me and my family! Oh, and Tiki...please dont kick the kids! LMAO!

Miki:
I'm scared of you! "Give me 30 min with those unruly kids. I would have them scared to breath wrong"!

Shirazi & Courtney Eliza:
Thanks for visiting our blog! Come back now, ya hear!

call2arms:
That's real. It isnt until their kids are on trial for some horrible crime that they begin to wonder if maybe they should've been just a little bit more strict on them.

Singing:
Needless to say, society would probably frown down on beating someone’s kids till they pass out...but if it's necessary, it's just necessary :-)

The Saga:
That's a trip. When I was little (about 7) my cousin, sister and I got our a$$ beat for stealing ALL the tea and sugar packets out of a doctors office. When she beat us, my sister and I knew to cry after the first snap of the belt like our skin was going to fall off, but my cousin had to be a hard a$$ and hold back on the tears!! That caused our beating to go on for a longer than necessary (I guess because my mom had to make sure we really felt it!!)...I still get on my cousin about that!

Ja-me:
On "Beat'em till the white meat show" - I know how you do! I can hear you beat'n them kids over the phone!!

Rainmayun:
I gotta see that video clip! Send it to me if you still have it: lambchops_101@hotmail.com

Tweety:
Girl, you know that woman wasnt trying to sit in the front. She was conveniently sitting in the middle, far enough from the front not to be noticed, but close enough to see. I wish the Pastor HAD said something! That would've been hilarious!

Jez Chill:
Toys are good tools, but I think you should just put your rugrat in children’s service to avoid any sporadic outbursts of pleasure while playing with said toys!

Eb:
As Napoleon Dynamite would say, "Luckyyyyy!"

Shawnqt:
You were a counselor at a youth center? You had to have a very high tolerance level! I dont think I could've done that - strike that - I KNOW I couldnt have done that!

Dakelzz:
LOL @ "...those will be the ones we see in upcoming episodes of C.O.P.S"! Sad but true!

Always in love...HAVE A GREAT DAY!!
Lambchop~

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Just Leave Me Alone With Your Bad A$$ Kids For Like 5 minutes…

Oh the wonderful blessing that is technology! It’s Sunday afternoon and I’m at a gig waiting for my turn to sing. To pass the time I’ll write about my issue this morning at Church on my handy-dandy PDA.

I love my church! I love my Pastor, the diversity, the fellowship, the Praise and Worship team , the staff, and seeing all of the wonderful ways God is using this church and the lovers of Christ in it!

Today I learned that there is one small element that I do not like. I DO NOT like rowdy a$$ kids and their insensitive ass parents. (This is not restricted to church, but to ALL public facilities such as movie theaters, restaurants, etc.)

If you happen to be one of said insensitive parents, I do not apologize for this rant. Rather, I’d like for you to use this post as an overdue wake up call.

It’s okay for you to bring your well behaved kids to “big folk” service on occasion. It is NOT okay to bring your loud a$$, bad a$$ kids to “big folk” service EVER!

In service today I ended up sitting in front of 3 very out of hand kids. At the start of every service the Pastor informs any unknowing parents of the Sunday School services, as well as advises everyone that the sanctuary is a “ring free” zone (no cell phones), and to take fussy babies to the sound proof baby area - so in my mind there’s no excuse for ignorance.

Right as the guest Pastor began his sermon the kids started acting a dayum fool. Talking all loud and playing around in and out of their seats. I’d like to believe that the mom couldn’t hear them, but I know she could. She would have to be 99.9% deaf and 97.5% blind to be unable to observe every single annoying antic.

Now some people may chose to believe that experienced parents have the ability to use the parental “mind mute” method to filter out any sounds coming from their kids. I can see how this should be possible while in your own home, but not in public. If you use the “mind mute” in public you’re just plain insensitive. Everyone doesn’t have kids and therefore everyone will not have the ability to practice the “mind mute” method while your kids are running around screaming at the top of thir lungs.

So after shooting about 5 stern looks over my shoulder at the kids and being totally ignored I decided to throw the looks at their momma. I know it’s not very polite to throw dirty looks at folks, but I’m sorry. She was pretty much saying FU to all the people in ear shot of her kids, and if that doesn’t warrant a dirty look then I don’t know what does.

The guest Pastors message appeared to be outstanding, but I wouldn’t know because I was too busy praying that God would continue to restrain my arms to keep them from swinging back there and knocking the bejeezes out of all three of them little bad a$$ monkeys.

Finally they had pushed me to my limit. I actually had to turn and give them the full 1 fingered “shushing” motion, power packed with the loud “shushing” sound, accompanied by the evil, “I’m gonna beat your little a$$ when your momma aint around” look. That shut them up for a few minutes, but of course it started back up again!

What the hell is wrong with parents today? I cant really blame the kids as much as the adults condoning the bad behavior. My mom would’ve beat my a$$ with her mind and then beat my a$$ within an inch of my life with a stick on the way home if I had acted up the way those kids had! These will be the kids who don’t respect anyone when they get older. Who’ll walk up to elderly people and shank ‘em just for asking the belligerent bastards to quiet down in the library. This is an awful state of affairs!

An insensitive parent should be the poster child for condoms. If you don’t have what it takes to raise them right, please…DON’T HAVE THEM!!!

Always in love…unless you let your bad a$$ kids run amuck in public disturbing everyone around them, and you haven’t the common decency to acknowledge my evil eye stare by quieting them down so that I can be fed by the Pastors message too.

Lambchop~

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blah, blah, blah

What it is yall, Whatzup, (whatzup) Can a playa just keep in (in touch) … Sorry blame it on the late night BET (uncut) videos (note to self don’t ever watch this isht again) I have seen some chicks do some things I didn't ’ even know were possible (okay so maybe I did know about some of it). Anyway, after a 60-hour 6-day work week my version of Sunday afternoon has finally arrived. It’s Thursday night at 4:20am and as usual I am wide awake (even after two glasses of wine…which may explain this post…No J, drinking alone does not make you an alcoholic).

I don’t know WTF is up with blogger tonight. I can’t seem to comment on anything.

So I’ve been reminiscing about things I miss and would like to experience again (probably a result of the wine) so I figured I’d share.

I Miss

- Saturday morning cartoons. Especially “The Street Frogs” which no one seems to remember. I also miss "The Smurfs and how they exchanged regular words for the word “Smurfy”. For example: It’s a smurfy day! Translation: It’s a lovely day. Or I’m gonna Smurf the Smurf out of Smurfette (the only female smurf). You can translate that one yourself.

- The debt free days of my youth.
- Paden leather Mary Janes. I still have Paden leather shoes but now they are stilettos. (We be rocking stilettos!) Sorry videos are still on.
- Cotton Candy Now N Laters. (SP?)
- The “Above the Rim” soundtrack.
- Lionel Ritchie. I’m not ashamed to admit I used to be a closet Lionel Ritchie fan.
- Pre Crack Whitney, or perhaps I should say pre Cocaine because as she said “ I don’t smoke crack. Crack is cheap!”
- Being naïve.
- Size 2.
- Sleeping at night.
- The smell of leather and peppermint. (don’t ask)
- Soul train with Don Cornelius and that Asian girl with the long hair.
- My grandmother’s banana pudding.
- Listening to my parents’ record collection.
- My mother, grandmothers, or aunts, washing and pressing my hair in the kitchen. (I don’t miss the burns that happened when I forgot to hold my ear)
- My dad.
- The smell of greens cooking (guess I should learn to make them myself).
-Intimacy.
-The theme songs from Taxi, Dynasty, and the Love Boat.
-Good Times.
-Riding my bike in Golden Gate Park with my brother.
- Sunday school/church.
-The days of delayed gratification.
-What do you miss?


….So gimme your number and I'’ll call (I’ll call) And I'll follow that *ss in the mall (in the mall) ...

~B.E.G~

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How To Crush A Crush?

Let me start by saying that Curvy's post was hilarious! Check her out if you dont already know...click here - "Powerful Curves".

So lately this new vanilla guy (a tall one!!) at work has been diggin on me (and this is not scabby upper lip midget guy who happens to still be sporting the red ring around the lips). I dont know what it is. Around spring/summer I usually attract men of Middle Eastern decent so this is something new.

I work with the guy and he came by during the week I was moving on up, (movin on up) to the east side, (movin on up) to a deluxe sized rat cage in the sky....oopps! Jefferson flash back (take this Jeffersons' quiz).

Anyways, I was moving up to the "better side" of the office into a "larger" rat cage with a "view", when the guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. I've seen this guy around the office before and always give the polite half nod when passing in the hallway, but in no way do I KNOW this man.

After a few conversations in my new rat cage I figured he was pretty cool so he's been promoted from total stranger to office acquaintance. Over the last week he's been stopping by more frequently and acting a bit school boyish around me. In addition, he's begun sending me odd emails throughout the day.

I am in no way interested in him for anything more than a friend for many reasons (for one - he reminds me of a middle aged Shaggy from Scooby Doo, and two - he sometimes twitches when he talks...I'm not surprised as I tend to attract the crazies!) and I thought I was sending the right "let's just be friends" signals, but I think I may be getting my wires crossed cause he doesnt seem to be getting it.

How do you send the message that you're not into a person when they havent blatantly come out and admitted their crush on you?

I've always had a problem in this area. Growing up I was the "cute" one...you know...the little sister type. Back then if you couldnt sit a glass of water on your backside, didnt have trouble sliding a hoola hoop over your curvy hips and didnt have the tendency to knock items over with your freshly grown frontal ornaments, you were just "cute" and not "FINE". And since I didnt meet any of these requirements, I never really had many guys vying for my attention.

So now when I get guys sending all of these passive signals instead of being upfront about their feelings I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, never having the consistent experience in dealing with these types of situations. I wish they'd just be upfront instead of trying to sneak the love on you. Then I could just give them the "let's just be friends" talk.

I'd like to be cool with this guy at work, but I dont want to lead him on in any way. Lord knows another stalker would be the end of me! Any suggestions? Oh, let me add that I dont want to be needlessly cruel or rude either.

Always in love...unless I dont like you like that and you dont get the hints I'm throwing!

Lambchop~

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Attention All Squirrels

After reading Ja-me's post I can tell that this week is going to be a challenge. I'm feeling sooooo out of it. I've been stuck in this whirlwind of emotions and I'm sick of it. I've been brooding over past expectations for my current life. I cant help but feel very disappointed.

How the hell did I get here? I wont get into any deep details, but let me tell you that I cant allow myself to believe that my purpose in life is to rot away in this rat cage. Dont get me wrong-I truly do appreciate all of my blessings, but so much is missing.

I wanted....hell, I WANT more for my life. I dont care to be a billionaire (though I wouldnt complain if I were), I just want my job to be my passion, to be financially comfy and if possible meet someone who isn’t completely deranged. I dont think I'm asking for too much.

I know that 28 isn’t very old, but I just get older and older from here, and I cant imagine my life like this for another 10+ years. I'd like to get out of this rat box full of the living dead and LIVE the life I dream! Alas, my pocket book reminds me that my youthful mistakes have stolen my future. Dayum. That sucks.

Well I'm sure that eventually God will reveal the reason I'm still doing basically the same thing 9 years later, why I'm not fulfilled, why I cry sometimes just visualizing my future.

The upswing is that I have my friends. I thank God for them. But life has a tendency to get more and more hectic. I'm finding that more of my few close friends are getting married, having kids, and moving away. They rarely have much time for their single friends (as it should be), so I find myself fearing life long loneliness (I know that I'm never truly alone with God, but these are my thoughts and feelings for this moment).

At this very moment I'm imagining myself at 45. All of my friends are busy with their large loving families - And there I am, devastatingly gorgeous, sitting at a park talking to the squirrel I've named Mr. Snappy. Mr. Snappy and I will have our daily walks in the park and long talks about life and love. We'll have the occasional fight over food sharing...you know, normal stuff - that is until he decides that I'm too dependant on him and he runs away, forcing me to chase him down and barbecue him. The future's looking bleak y'all.

Always in love...unless you tell the animal rights organization that I may or may not barbecue a small squirrel in my demented and lonely 40's.

Lambchop~

P.S. Please note that these are fleeting thoughts and feelings. I do not have any intention of really barbecuing squirrels...this afternoon. But if I ever did it would totally be in self-defense. Go here for more information....KILLER SQUIRRELS. Please look at all of the links to discover the truth!!!

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Venting

I can’t sleep!!! After tossing and turning for the last three hours I decided to give up the fight and just get up. It’s 7:30am and I’ve been up since 12:00pm yesterday. That bastard Mr. Sandman has left me in bed alone, awake, and bored once again. The control freak in me seems to think that she can change my schedule and make me sleep at night on my off days (and during the day on work days)but I guess it didn’t work tonight.

Anyway, I got to see my favorite comedian Paul Mooney at a small comedy club in SF with Chops, Jame and my mom (which was a bit odd because she is very conservative) last night. I can’t even begin to tell you how funny he was but that was really no surprise. Not much else to say about that (plus I’m sure one of my cohorts will elaborate) but I do have one question. Why is there always at least one drunk MF that has to act like a Ni**a (Mooney’s word not mine)? The fool tonight started off mildly enough yelling out the occasional “ I love you Ni**a!” Then progressed to a full on Turrets fit jumping up and down, beating his chest like a baboon, while cussing out Paul Mooney who up until that point was trying to ignore him. Of course Mr. Mooney let him know what was up but unfortunatly the show ended right when it started getting good. Oh well.

Now, on to the actual reason for this post. A recent event in my life has caused me to question the people I allow in my circle. Specifically the friendships I develop with people. I think that most people come into my life for a specific duration of time to fulfill a need, a desire, or a purpose (or for me to fulfill a purpose in their life). I have some friendships that I believe will last a lifetime like Jame and Chops. I have other friendships that have existed for short intervals then fizzled out like friendships with past co-workers. In all friendships (and relationships) I try to determine what access level I feel comfortable granting someone in my life. This is usually base on what I know about the person and how comfortable I feel with them. That may sound distant or sterile but it’s for good reason. When I open myself up to someone in any capacity I open up myself to a whole range of emotions, experiences, and feeling including being hurt. As a friend I try to be open, honest, caring, selfless, supportive, etc…all the usual friendship expectations and in turn I expect the same treatment. I guess sometimes I set my expectation to high.

Recently someone I consider a friend did something that I felt was…well…I guess just WRONG! I’m not going to go into pointless detail but suffice it to say that it’s something I wouldn’t (and couldn’t) do to my worst enemy. This person totally disregarded me, our friendship, and made a decision that could have possibly impacted my life. To add insult to injury when confronted they acted like it was a trivial laughing matter. I am very forgiving and until now I didn’t realize that I had the ability to stay mad for more than 30 minutes. While I have told this person that I forgive them (and I do) I just can’t seem to get over the anger and outrage I still feel. Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic but I feel like I’ve been victimized and I no longer have the desire or ability to open myself up for further hurt. I don’t think that this person has the capability to understand the effect of that bad decision. I have a very hard time opening up to people and this experience has made me feel like I don’t ever want to open up again. So what’s the point? Well from now on I plan to make a conscious effort to surround myself with people who are on a similar life path. I want people in my life who are not only respectful of me and who I am but of themselves as well. I can’t expect someone who does not understand their own value to understand mine.

To you, I do not write this to insult, embarrass, belittle or hurt. I write this to work through my own anger. While I do completely forgive you and do not judge your decision you need to realize that every action has a reaction and I guess this is just mine. I just need some time and space. I hope that “Time heals all wounds” thing is true.

Guess I'll try that whole sleeping thing again now that the sun is out.

~B.E.G~

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Lambchops 102 Things

I'm not sure why anyone would be interested in these personal details, but since BEG's been bugging me about it, I've decided to do it. I suppose there may be more to me than my issues with my ex-midget :-)

1. I love God!
2. Jesus is my Lord and Savior
3. I still make A LOT of mistakes, but thank God for grace and forgiveness!
4. I'm obsessed with electronics
5. I dont really know very much about fashion labels or designers
6. I just know what looks good on me
7. I'm not usually very girly,
8. but I do have my extreme girly days
9. I LOVE the guitar,
10. my interest really got peaked when I saw my good friend Paul Fox (aka Foxy) play the guitar when I first joined the band
11. I think Paul was the greatest guitar player EVER
12. Paul died in a car accident on the way to one of our gigs in December
13. I was devastated...I still am
14. But I'm not crying anymore
15. I think BEG is a great guitar player too!
16. I have 5 guitars (1 Yamaha acoustic, 1 electric bass, 2 electric fender guitars, and 1 Martin Backpacker guitar)
17. My first electric guitar was from Paul
18. I won the electric bass (I won 2), the acoustic, a Yamaha Motif 6 keyboard and some other stuff when I won the John Lennon Songwriting contest and these other contests a few years ago
19. I love writing music
20. I love singing
21. I love performing
22. I love all movies - except horror movies
23. I especially love comedies!
24. My favorite ice cream is Daiquiri Ice
25. My second favorite is Chocolate ice cream
26. I'm severely lactose intolerant
27. but I cant seem to stop drinking Jamba Juice (it has yogurt in it)
28. I love all music (classical, jazz, blues, some country, alternative rock...etc)
29. especially music with guitars in them
30. I've begun to dislike today's R&B
31. It's not very innovative or unique and the lyrics usually suck...my opinion only
32. I love to eat!
33. I eat every 30 mins (or more dependant on what the tape worm wants)
34. I love to talk
35. I love my friends
36. When I have a good friend I try very hard to keep the connection strong for years and years
37. I love dogs
38. I never really liked cats - but they're starting to grow on me
39. ...still, I never want to own one
40. I love my mom
41. but she's a serious nag
42. when I was about 17 she thought I was gay
43. when I was 20 she thought I was a prostitute
44. when I was 24 she thought I was a whore
45. I was a virgin until 21
46. today she thinks I want to be a nun
47. but I dont
48. I just dont want to date right now
49. I guess because I have so much on my plate
50. and I want to accomplish certain things before I settle down
51. plus I'm VERY picky when it comes to dating
52. Plus I'm celibate (God reasons)
53. My dad wasnt around much growing up
54. he's coming around now that he's older and lonely
55. I'm pretty conservative to most peoples standards
56. but I'm not a prude
57. I hate when people stare at me in traffic
58. "You lookin at me? I said, you lookin at me??"
59. I would never date a guy I met in a club
60. I actually dont really like going to clubs anymore
61. I stopped liking clubs about 4 years ago
62. I used to go a lot when I was 15-17 and I was in a dance trio for a rap group
63. I used to be in the army
64. I went in just out of high school
65. mainly because my family is a military family
66. My lola (grandma in tagalog) and grandfather had 14 kids
67. They met in the Philippines when my grandfather was in the military
68. I miss them soooo much
69. My favorite pet's name was Apricot
70. she was a toy poodle
71. she died when I was in high school
72. we thought she was pregnant,
73. but it turned out she actually had a stomach tumor
74. I cried for days and days
75. I love the Quiznos Sub commercial with the singing rats
76. I want to get married one day
77. but not today
78. I want to have kids one day
79. but definitely not today
80. I sometimes feel a tug to start dating again
81. but the thought of all the time and effort necessary to sustain a healthy relationship turns me off
82. plus all the inevitable drama that comes with it
83. I can draw portraits of people from pictures
84. I like to do it, but it's not my passion
85. I think I should've went to school to be an engineer
86. I have a lot of insecurities
87. but I'm secure in my insecurities
88. I decided to go natural (no more perms) some years ago
89. I love my natural hair now
90. but I refuse to give up hair dye!
91. Boris Kodjoe is BEAUTIFUL!!
92. I'm obsessed with TV
93. I think tv is the Spawn of Satan
94. I once tried to push BEG down the stairs in college (after she tried to drown me)
95. I love road trips
96. especially driving in the wee hours of the morning
97. I love being silly with my girls
98. I want a burrito now
99. No, I want Chinese
100. No, I definitely want a burrito
101. Let me add that I have a slight fear of midgets
102. because of Mr. Circus Midget - every time I see midgets I think they're planning to swarm around my legs, and begin biting and gnawing on my ankles

I'm thru with this. Ja-me, you better do this now!!!

I'm going back to practicing Barre Chords.

Always in love....unless you plan on gnawing on my ankles.

Lambchop~

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Queen Of The Midget Men

Hey BEG. I'm finally blogging so you can stop leaving me those vulgar and rude messages - thank you very much.... On second thought, keep the vulgar, lose the rude :-)

FYI >> I'm adding a few links to this post, so click on any underlined words<<

I'm beginning to wonder if my ex - Mr.Waste Of Space Circus Midget - left a scent or stain on me (sorta like when a dog pisses on a tree so everyone knows he was there - you get the point). Reason being is that ever since we split the only guys that I seem to be attracting are of the midget variety. Now, dont get me wrong. As I've stated in almost all of my posts, I have NO PROBLEM WITH THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED. Unfortunately, I am jaded so I probably wont be dating anyone under 5'4 again (I'm 5'6) - probably. I'll never say never (I said I'd never date a midget before I dated the freak)...but I CAN say that it's most unlikely.

I have a dozen examples of why I'm beginning to consider myself the Queen of the Midget Men, but I'll just focus on the one that I have to deal with daily - my coworker....lets call him Smeagol.

Smeagol has apparently been into me since he started in our department. I'm a P.M. for a C.C. company (the third Spawn of Satan), and I seem to ALWAYS have a crap load of work to do, whereas he (and others) seem to have the time to take leisure walks all over the office and chat with various individuals for hours at a time....but I digress.

Smeagol's always finding reasons to walk past my personal rat box (cubicle) to stop in and say, "Hi!" It would okay if the buck stopped there, but no. He then takes it upon himself to launch a long ass conversation about nothing. The man can talk about nothing like no man I've ever known. During our long conversations about nothing, he finds a way to slip in very personal questions and comments (I dont have much time to go into details, but I'll fill you in later).

The most recent encounter:
"Hi Lambchop (he uses my real name)! You're always soooo busy! Are you busy now?"
"Uhhhh, yeah. Why? What's up?" (Silly me thinking it could possibly be a work related conversation)
"You look really nice. I really like your hair (it was curly that day). I prefer it straight though...dont ever cut it."
"Huh?"

Up to this point I was still staring at my computer screen attempting to feign super business and avoid one of his long drawn out conversations about NOTHING. I finally looked up at him and almost choked on my own tongue! I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but today was worse than ever! His face was all ashen and pale, his eyes were bugging out, and his lips were surrounded by a faint red ring.

I cant even describe in mere words the way he looked. It was just painful not to stare at that red ring around his lips. The first thought that came to mind was...could it be a new wild and highly mutated string of the Bubonic Plague? I'm at a loss. It was just nasty. So I averted my eyes as much as possible until he finally got his Lambchop fix and left.

The next day he came by again and to my chagrin the ring around his lip was even darker than the day before!! How in the hell did that happen??? I am sooo confused, and not just a little bit afraid.

Now, I'm not talking bad about people with publicly visible diseases, but if you do have one of those diseases or what "looks" like one of those diseases, it's probably best if you dont try to get your mack on while your disease is active. Be a true playa and wait until your disease is in remission.

Yesterday it was worse than ever. I'm seriously waiting to see if his lips will actually fall off. Hell, he may just morph into a fly like Jeff Goldblum in the movie "The Fly". If he does, I'll be sure to blog about it if I get out of the office alive.

On another note, it's really interesting the different way in which a white guy approaches women in comparison to black guys. Sometimes its sooo refreshing and sweet, and sometimes it's just all wrong. I'll talk more about that in my next post.

Always in love...unless you have an active venereal disease, are breathing all up in my face, and refuse to cover your red scabby ring surrounded mouth with your hands when you cough...ohhh you're so nasty!!!

Lambchop~

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