Thursday, October 20, 2005

It's Ova.



We're leaving on a jet plane, Don't know when we'll be back again.........


(Against my better judgment) My blogmates and I have decided to jump ship and move to blogsome (with everyone else) so from now on you can find us at http://songbirds.blogsome.com. Chops (our resident html specialist) did such a wonderful job setting it up I guess I really can't complain.


Off to greener pastures..... See you over there!


Friday, October 07, 2005

The Birthday Monkey





It's 12:38am and I am still at work....bleh!!!!!!

......365 more days till 30 (and Puerto Rico!)

(No special reason for the picture, I just like it.)

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

LAZY WAY OUT (another meme)

*Stolen from this blogger*

Accent - California (I like guess, like, that is like, like, what you would hella call it.)
Bra size - 36D.
Chore I hate - Washing dishes
Dad's name - Franklin
Essential make-up - Anything by Mac or Nars.
Favorite perfume - Burberry Weekends (at the moment)
Gold or Silver? - Both
Hometown - San Francisco Ca
Insomnia - Well if sleeping all day and not at night counts then yes.
Job Title - Cop sitter.
Kids -Not yet...maybe never.
Living Arrangement - ALONE!!!!
Mom's Birthplace - Shreveport
Number of Sexual Partners - Yeah, like I'm gonna answer that.
Overnight Hospital Stays - When I was 6 I had my adenoids (sp?) removed...Do they even do that anymore?
Phobia - Missing out on anything (events, food, sales, gossip, concerts, life, you name it) oh, and spiders!
Favorite Quote - (it changes on a daily bases) Don't fall in love with someone's potential. ~Marama. I have a wee problem with project dating but I'm working on it.
Religion - Christian. I'm a bible thumper.
Siblings - Two younger brothers.
Two I'm tagging - Coley and Ja-me.
Unnatural hair colors I've worn - Purple, Blue, Red, Green...highschool was a bad time for me.
Vegetable I refuse to eat - All vegetables excluding asparagus and broccoli.
Worst habit - *sigh* Sleeping to much and passing gas in public. (I'm working on the 2nd issue).
X-rays I've had - Dental.
Yummy foods I make - Steak and most meat's (although Chops might have other opinions about my fish)
Zodiac sign - Libra (October 7 to be exact.) but I don't believe in all that astrology crap.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Catch Up.

*This is the follow up to the previous post about my home buying nightmare.*

Sooooo where did we leave off? Oh yes, the fire. I found out the day after I had all the locks changed that a fire had destoryed half of the building the night before. The fire stopped about 10 Ft from my front door. Luckily the smoke smell killed the stench that the the squatter left behind. With all of his crap out on the deck I painted, cleaned, packed, cleaned, had the carpet ripped out, cleaned, changed the fixtures, cleaned, oh and did I mention cleaned. (I had lots of help from my blogmates, Coley, Dana, Sassyx, and several family members.)

After playing phone tag with the squatter's brother I was able to get authorization to dump all of the crap he left behind (which cost me$400). They agreed to pay for the removal costs if I would allow them to go through the storage unit (which I did). I finished painting and planned to officially move in the following week.

The day before the move I stopped to drop off a few items and found a note on the front door. It said that the city would be doing asbestos abatement (due to the fire) and that my hallway was off limits for the next week. I had already hired movers and changing the move date was out of the questions. Damn! Damn! Damn!

The next day the movers arrive (5 1/2 hours late) and begin loading my furniture. Only one of the three movers spoke English and he had the nerve to have an attitude because he thought my bedroom furniture was to large. I have no idea how he planned to fit and entire apartment into a truck the size of a large van but I guess you get what you pay for. Half way through the loading process he asks me "What would you rather have...your couch or your bed?" I. Lost. It (for the 12th time). What would I rather have??!!!! I want both dumb ass!!! He then offers to take my bed and half of my couch (it has a lounge attached to it). WTF am I gonna do with half a couch. He ended up charging me and extra $25 to take my bed apart and left the dresser mirror behind. I tried to give him directions to the new address but he asked if he could follow me instead. I agreed without knowing that the trucks top speed was 40 mph (going downhill). Anytime I exceeded that speed I lost the movers. I have never been cussed out so many times while driving in my entire life.

We arrived at my new place and found the hallway entrance covered in plastic with toxic agent warning signs hanging everywhere. Thank God my door was just outside of the quarantined area and the unloading went smoothly. After an hour the mover tells me that they were having a problem getting the top of my bed up the stairs (the canopy section). I said fine and assumed that they would continue to try. Another hour later he (the english speaking one) comes to the door and say "All done!" Whoo-Hooo! I was exhausted and ready to call it a day. I walked around to make sure everything was accounted for and noticed that my bed was missing. I asked him:

Me: "Where is my bed?
Mover: "Oh, I think it's out front."
Me: "Okay, so are you gonna get it?"
Mover: "No."
Me:"No?!!!"
Mover: "No".
Me: "Well why not!?"
Mover: "I told you we were having a problem getting it up the stairs."


I was to tired to fight and didn't know what else to say so I walked away to sulk. I gave some thought to trying to kick his ass but then I realized that perhaps that wasn't the best idea since he was quite a bit larger than I am. Eventually Coley and the others took over.

Coley:"So what are you gonna do? Leave it in front of the building?"
Mover: "Yep."
Coley: "You have to try to get it up here another way."
Mover: Getting into his buffalo I'm gonna kick your ass stance, "Are you saying that it's my fault that it doesn't fit?"
Coley: "No! But you have to try getting it up another way!"

Mover: (yawning) "I don't have the equipment, maybe I'll come back tomorrow."

Coley: "No you won't, you'll try now! Come on I'll show you how to do it."

Mover: "It's not gonna work but whatever."

After a lot of persuading the movers pushed the railing up to the balcony and we pulled it up to the 2nd floor. The movers grudgingly re-assembled the bed and left. After all of that they had the nerve to look surprised when I didn't give them a tip.

Think that's the end of the story? Of course not! A couple of days ago I left for work and found 6 police officers in the hallway. After some snooping I found out that my next door neighbor decided to end his life in his living room. (I wondered why his TV had been on non-stop for the last 4 days). Apparently he had been there for several days before anyone found him. Ewwww! Also, the squatter has decided not to reimburse me the $1007.58 he owes me. I guess I'll be taking a trip to small claims court.

In other news I got a kitten that seems to like swimming in the toilet. Yep, that's about it.

*Birthday countdown!!!!.....9 days to go!*

Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Joy Of Being A FREAK MAGNET!

And the party never stops....

Seein' as how the other birds have been stricken mute, I'll go again.

As per my last post, I have just recently moved into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVE! The longer I'm here the more I adore it.

I was really blessed with the moving process and I met the tenants on both sides of me and they were all very cool. The neighbors on my left side are 2 gay men in the mid to late 40's bracket who live together, but I dont think they're really out of the closet since one of them refers to his mate as his "brother". I dont know, maybe this is a new term for life partner, or significant other in the gay community. Either way, they seemed really cool.

As a matter of fact, the first one that I met was Que-ball (the bald one). He happened to be coming down his stairs when I was moving a large piece of furniture up the 3 flights of stairs with one of my dearest gal-pals, Moe.

On Que's way down he stopped and asked if we needed his help. We both said, "sure!" and dropped the large item on the ground so that he could carry it on up the stairs for us (hell, if he was offering we were takin'!). His heart was really in the right place, it really was, but unfortunately his body wasn't cooperating.

As soon as Que laid both arms around the furniture, he let out this blood curdling, girly-I'm being chased by the zombie dancers in the Michael Jackson thriller video- scream! My girl Moe and I were startled, and asked him if he was okay. He just replied, "Tendinitis".

We told him to forget about it and picked up the large furniture again and started up the next flight of stairs. He stopped us again in our tracks expressing how much he wanted to help us, and um...maybe his "brother" could help..."Oh, no. That's right, my brother has a broken foot." (Lovers spat maybe???)

We told Que not to worry about it, I mean, we had made it this far, we could certainly make the move on our own. He insisted on guiding us up the stairs. I'm still trying to understand the point of this. We both have eyes, we both have feet that function, our motor skills are top notch at this point in our lives, why the hell would we need someone to tell us we're about to come upon another flight of stairs, or that my front door is directly behind me??? Pointless.

Anyway, Que "helped" us with that item and then left. A few hours later I met his partner (brother), who introduced himself. He came up and told me his name and the name of his son. Then he said, "Um, I think you already met my, um, um...."

"BROTHER?" I finished for him.

"Uh, yeah." He replied. Then he waddled on up the stairs (broken foot) and left me to complete my move.

Now I wont lie and say that I wasnt a bit glad that my closest neighbors were gay (= not interested in me!). I'm a naturally paranoid person (which I'm working on) and I'm always sure that most guys have ulterior motives when feigning friendship with women. When you least expect it, the catch you off guard by going in for the kill (=sexual innuendo, unsolicited attempts at fondling body parts!). Needless to say, I was quite pleased!

So imagine my surprise today when I walked up and found a yellow note stuck to my door (which is directly across from theirs). Ja-me just happened to be with me helping me move yet another load of crap into my already cramped apartment.

I read the letter to myself then passed it on to Ja-me to experience for herself. I'll let you do the same (word for word with a couple of personal thoughts that I had while reading it, as well as interpretations, reading between the lines):

"Hello Chops,
I'm Que, your neighbor across from you. Just dropping a line to say hello. I hope you are settled in by now.
(***Chop's thought: "He really should have stopped right here"***)


When I first saw you I could not help but notice how beautiful you are and it made me want to get to know you to see how equally beautiful you probably are on the inside (=You're cute. I want to screw you and see if you're still cute afterwards).

If you are not presently involved in a relationship, I would like to take you out to dinner or go to San Francisco and enjoy it's beautiful (***Chop's though: "No, this isnt a typo, I write it how I see it"***) while we walk talk and get to know each other (=If you want, I can spend some money on you, you know...wine and dine you so you realize how great I am, then we can screw or I'll take what I spent on you out of your a$$.)


My number is 1-800-psycho-undercover-stalker. Have a blessed day!(= I can hear you playing Christian music through the wall and I think this'll probably get me to first base.)
And by the way, you have a very nice Volvo.... (***Chops thought: WTF??!!!!"***) (=I've been watching your every move. Dont think for a second that you're alone. I'm making a people coat out of human skin, and may or may not be interested in trying out yours, while I quote: "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" from the movie "Silence of the lambs")
Que"


So I guess my initial impression was completely incorrect. I suppose he's not gay and that his "brother" is really his brother. Hmmmm. My bad. This really sucks. It really sucks because now I realize that this fool has been watching me. He obviously knows my comings and goings. Somehow he knows the car I drive (which he so freakishly brought up for no logical reason other than to freak me the hell out), and he obviously knows I'm single since I just moved in and havent had many men over (which is going to change immediately for appearance sake).

Unfortunately we share a few walls too. My bathroom wall is also his bathroom wall I think, and my living room wall is another one of his walls. It also sucks because now I'm really paranoid about this fool watching me come and go out of his doors peep hole, and listening to my conversations. I never noticed how thin the walls were until now! I can hear him walking around!!

Well if I run into him I plan on just being up front. "I got your letter, and I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. I think you're really cool though and like I said, it was really flattering! Ummmm I gotta go walk my friends chia-pet now, so ummmm, bye!" We'll see how this all turns out.

Why the hell do I attract such freaks and weirdos??!!! I swear, I must have a sign that illuminates whenever a freak comes my way that reads, "I love freaks! Please come stalk me, harass me, be my big ol' suga-daddy!!"

That's it. I'm moving to Tibet.

Always in love...unless you're a stalker freak with tendinitis who doesnt have the back bone to be a man and approach the stalkee head on. Instead you lurk in the shadows like a sissy prick. Freak!

Lambchop~

Friday, September 16, 2005

Not Dead....Just Moving!!!

TAKE THE NEW SONGBIRDS POLL 9/16













We hear ya Grasshoppah!! Please calmly place the shank on the ground and slowly back away from the weapon!!

No, we're not dead, or sick, or in rehab (except for maybe one of the songbirds)!

Beg and I have been moving, and Ja-me has been looking for a place to move...ScorpioK has been taking care of her 30 common law kids. But I think the hiatus is finally over!!
A Quick Stale (old and dated news) Update (note that I'm rush typing so it's gonna be choppy):

Beg has been getting settled in her new condo. The squatters stuff is finally gone and she just bought a kitten which she's named Napoleon Dynamite (she can go into details on how she was told by ScorpioK that the kitten was a girl, but turns out it's either a boy or a hermaphrodite).

Ja-me has been working like a big dawg, finally admitted to her shopping addiction, and is almost ready for the next step...doing something about it!

ScorpioK has taken on what seems to me to be about 30 kids in addition to her one natural born...you're better than me girl!

And me...well, I've moved to a new apartment and I LOVE it! I now live only 5 minutes away from work and about 20 minutes away from Beg.

Other Stale News:

A few weeks ago I went to the circus with Ja-me and her 2 little ones. My, oh my, what a time we had!

We saw all the animals first, and it was so cute the way her kids were so amazed by the elephants! Adorable! Then we went into the arena early to see the acrobats and the pre-show Ring Master do their thing up close and personal.

As soon as we made our way down onto the arena floor I noticed that the pre-show ring master was all up in my grill. For a minute I thought maybe he wanted to induct me into the circus life as one of the circus freaks, but he soon made it clear he was just enamored.

Every time I glanced behind me to where he was commentating he was gawking at me. Next thing I know I started noticing the circus midgets staring at me!! I thought I had outgrown midgets!!!

As I was experiencing the clown show with Ja-me's youngest I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and this decent looking tall black man was standing there. Our conversation:
  • TBM: "Excuse me beautiful. I think that man with the microphone is trying to get your attention. I thought he was looking at me, but now I see he was actually looking at you."
  • ME: "Oh. I see." (giving a quick glance in the direction of the pre-show ringmaster)
  • TBM: "Is she your sister?" ( motioning at Ja-me)
  • ME: "No, we're friends."
  • TBM: " She's GORGEOUS!!"
  • ME: "I know!"
  • TBM: "I just wanna grab her hair and pull it!!!"
  • ME: (a bit startled and concerned that he may be an escaped mental patient prone to hair pulling and biting strangers) "Ummm. What's your name?" (so that I'd have plenty of details to provide to the authorities)
  • TBM:"Oh! I'm Knott. What's yours?" (his name has been altered)
  • ME: "I;m Chops and that's J" (He introduced himself to Ja-me)
  • TBM: "Where are y'all sitting?" (I pointed it out) "Oh. I'm sitting near you guys I think."

We said our goodbyes and then moved along.

When we had gotten back to our seats I noticed that the pre-show ringmaster kept saying happy birthday to someone with the same name as me, but I paid him no mind. Ja-me finally informed me that every time he wished a "very special happy birthday to Chops" he was staring dead in my face. I looked up and lo and behold he was! I just laughed and pointed in his direction that I "got it". How the hell did he know my name????

Finally the show started and the parade of animals came trotting out with all of the Other performers and here comes pre-show ringmaster trotting down the path on his horse looking like a black Will Rogers! LOL! He just had to stop right in front of our section and do a special side step and wave with a big ol' cheese! LOL! I was just laughing my arse off!

Once the show was underway the new ringmaster appeared and it took about a good 15 minutes for me to realize that the new ringmaster was actually Knotts!! Apparently they were tag teaming us. I guess it's what they do... in every new city seek out cuties in the audience and hope that they're ringmaster groupies.

At intermission I dragged Ja-me and the kids out to the concession stand to avoid a chance encounter with the pre-show ringmaster. At the condiments table I noticed once again that everyone was staring in my direction. I turned around and yup, pre-show ringmaster was standing there behind me in all of his glittery ringmaster glory.

I was immediately mesmerized by the beautiful greyish-red hue of his caked on makeup (it's so sexy when you feel like you could cut it with a knife), not to mention the way the long chunky strands of his S-curl laid waxed to the side of his head. I tried to keep my composure, but I admit it, I squirreled a little.

He told me that he'd been trying for so long to get my attention but that I wasnt paying him any mind. Then he asked if the kids were mine, I said no. Then he told Ja-me that Knotts sends her a big fat sloppy wet kiss on the back of her neck!!! Ja-me kind of laughed it off, but I could tell she was disgusted!!

He then asked my age and if I was single. I didnt want to lie so I answered honestly. The problem with this is that it makes it very difficult NOT to hurt peoples feelings one way or another. Anyway, then he asked if I had a number, and I said yes. He waited a beat or two then asked if he could have the number. I said, "Umm. I guess so."

I know you're wondering why I gave my number even though I was obviously not interested. This is the deal. I was interested in finding out how he ended up in the circus and I was also trying this new "thing" where you go out with ALMOST anyone at least once. I began to rethink this new "thing" as soon as the digits were in his hands.

He asked if I was busy after the show at about 945pm. I told him I didnt know. He said he'd call. And he did, at 1140 pm (notorious booty call hours). Of course I didnt answer the call. That's soooo disrespectful! He called again at 12am, then again at 1245am.

The next morning he called at 10am, then again at 12pm, then again at 4pm. After the 4pm call I think a few of the midgets gathered together, tackled him, and wrestled the phone out of his hands, cause he hasnt called since.

New dating lesson>>>
It's best to inform the person that you arent "available" if you arent interested. That way you arent lying - you really arent available...to him. Plus, if you blatantly say that you arent attached but you dont want to give them your number you'll have to deal with the follow up inquisition and run the risk of being called a b*tch.

Yup. Next time I wont even give the number cause now I'm stuck screening phone calls for the next month and feeling horrible that his ego may be bruised. After all, he's a ringmaster! A woman would be crazy to pass on that!!

In a rush so more lata.

Always in love unless you're a man with an extra long S-curl that you have the tendency to flip around like a horse thereby spraying innocent bystanders in the eye with your curl activator.

P.S. The pre-show ringmaster did seem cool from our 2 second conversation, but honestly the worst turn off was that he and his friend were so cool with talking dirty-ish to Ja-me right in front of her kids. That's a no-no. Common sense must be lacking.

Lambchop (Chops)~

Pics I love:














Please peep the guy in the background who posed with us for this picture and came up afterwards to see how he looked!!! Can anyone find Waldo?














Us at the Raheem Devon concert in SJ, CA






























Friday, September 02, 2005

KATRINA

Hurricane Katrina Relief

I am so overwhelmed with emotions for the victims of hurricane Katrina that I don't know what to say. You can donate to the red cross online here or make a donation by phone at 1-800-HELP-NOW. Please be sure to specify that you are donating to hurricane relief.

I'm sending my prayers and lots of love to everyone affected by this tragic event.

....I'll update about the house drama on my next post.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Momma don't Play....

Thanks to Shawn for providing this wonderful display of active parenting!!



Saturday, August 20, 2005

Welcome Home?



THE GOOD NEWS: Praise God!!!! I am finally a home (condo) owner!!!! Thanks for all of your nice thoughts and prayers.

THE BAD NEWS: In some strange way he was right...I either have a roommate or a squatter, you decide.

ARE YOU CURIOUS ABOUT THE PICTURES? First I have a question for you... Do you think that a man who cuts up his boxers with a pocket knife, then leaves them in the middle of the living room floor should be allowed to roam the streets freely or should someone give him a nice white jacket (with very long sleeves), a mask, and a padded room?

SHORT EXPLANATION: The above pictures are what I was greeted with as I walked into my new residence for the first time. The top picture is the filthy couch I talked about in the prior post, the one on the left is a picture of a tire and a vacuum left in one of the hallway closets, and the one on the right is a pair of the previous owner's boxers that I think he either left as a threat or a gift...I'm not really sure.

LONG EXPLANATION: By the grace of God I was able to get all of the missing paperwork in by the deadline and close escrow on time. I arrived fifteen minutes early for my walk through (which is a miracle in itself according to most of my friends). As I walked towards the door I got the feeling that things were not going to go as smoothly as my realtor originally led me to believe. The first thing I noticed was that the blinds were closed (in the middle of the day). As we walked through the door I was once again overcome by that terrible odor. As I went into the kitchen I was surprised to see that the previous owner had made a pitiful attempt at cleaning. All of the garbage was picked up off the floor and most of his tattered filthy furniture was gone. My realtor was under the impression that the previous owner was finally gone but....Of course not! He was once again asleep on the nasty couch (see above picture). When his realtor arrived he got up and stated that he was in the process of moving out and that he would be completely out by 9am the next day. He also made sure to point out everything that needed to be repaired (it was an as-is sale) in a somewhat coherent manner. So, the walk through wasn't all that great with him as a shadow but I figured it could have been worse right???

IT GETS WORSE: The next day my realtor calls and says the magic words, "Come get the keys it's yours!" I filled out the last of the mountains of paperwork, got my keys, and excitedly headed to my new home. Problem #1: None of my keys fit any of the door locks. Problem #2: I didn't get a remote to the gate. Problem #3: I didn't get a key to the mailbox (and have no idea where it is). To say that I was upset would be an understatement but instead of freaking out I called a locksmith and went shopping for new flooring. An hour and $300 dollars later the locksmith picked the door lock, replaced several locks and let me in.....or should I say broke in. Welcome home.

IT GETS WORSER (yes, I know that isn't a word) : The first thing I noticed when I walked in was a tire and a vacuum cleaner stacked in the hall closet (see above left picture). Then I walked into the bathroom and found a wet towel on the sink, open deodorant (I'm not sure why it was open because it's evident that he never used it) and a plugged in electric razor. I looked in all of the cabinets and closets and found out that the garbage I thought he had disposed of was simply hidden in new spots. He had actually moved more of his belongings in since my walk through instead of moving things out. Idiot! I also started getting nervous because I thought he was possibly hiding somewhere in the area. As I walked into the living room I saw that his couch (see middle picture) was still there but he was nowhere to be found. I. WAS. FURIOUS. I called my realtor and lost it.

IT GETS WORSER-ER:I won't bore you with all the details but I will say that I have one huge mess on my hands. According to my realtor the previous owners realtor can't seem to find him. He took his money and ran. She has been able to contact one of his brother who says he will pay for the costs of disposing of the crap that was left behind but he refuses to put it in writing. I wanted to dump it all but according to the local police I have to store that jackasses belongings for a minimum of 30 days and make reasonable allowances for him to pick it up if he so chooses. I planned on painting, pulling out the carpet, and remodeling the bathroom before moving in but that is going to be hard with all of his crap laying around. I'm also nervous that he will show up again once I actually move in. I feel like my whole life is up in the air right now so I guess only time will tell how this all works out......Off to the gun store.


YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT?????- Today my mom called to tell me that she and my uncle were going to bag up all of the crap that the freak left behind and put it on my deck until I figure out what I'm going to do. She said that when she arrived a fire fighter advised her that half of the building burned down last night but the fire stopped right before it reached my unit. I wonder if Mr.Cranker set the fire. I also found out that I have a storage unit that I was never advised about. Apparently it was padlocked and he has possibly been living in it. Somebody pinch me please......


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I asked for it.

After (another) very long hiatus this gifted blogger's post has inspired me to start writing again.

So, a while back I mentioned that I was trying to decide if I should buy a home close to my job, further out, or not at all. The biggest problem was that it is almost impossible to purchase a house in the bay area (in a decent neighborhood) for under $500K. Even the smallest hole in the wall studio is just under $300k. I have terrible road rage so a 4 hour (round trip) commute was out of the question. I finally decided that any city within 30-40 minutes of my job was acceptable.

I won't go into detail about the homes and condos that my realtor showed me but suffice it to say that most of the places within my budget were crap, crap, and more crap. Anyway, after a whole lot of searching I found a place that looked like it had potential. My realtor and I let ourselves in to what was suppose to be a vacant unit. The first thing I noticed was a terrible odor (kind of like burnt Bologna and Mayonnaise) that I attributed to the lack of ventilation but boy was I wrong. Stretched out on the dirtiest living room couch I've ever seen was a naked, fat, greasy, pasty white man sleeping the day away. Once he was up and dressed my realtor asked him a series of questions regarding why he was there. He looked at her grunted, scratched himself and walked out the front door without ever saying a word. I suppose the average person would consider a naked fat man a bad omen or some other crap but hey this is California and affordable property is hard to come by so... let's just say I put in my offer immediately after leaving.

(perhaps I should clarify...Strange things happen to me on a daily bases so I took the dirty naked man as a good sign... No Chops I was and am not sexually attracted to fat naked white men.)

I'd heard so many horror stories about problems with loans and other first time buyer issues that I was expecting the worst but oddly enough I hadn't experienced any problems until today. My realtors assistant called (and woke me up) all upset and said that I had to submit several documents that I've had trouble tracking down within 14 hours. Ummm Kay so I'm suppose to get all this shit together in the next 14 hours (it was 6pm when he called) and I'm on my way to work a 10 hour shift so you do the math. Yeah, that's gonna happen. NOT!! He then called two additional time to reiterate the importance of my compliance in this matter.

Later that evening (or I guess I should say a few hours ago) my realtor called to inform me that the reason for her assistants frantic state was that the freak I'm buying the condo from is a cranker (meth-user). During a drug induced stupor he convinced himself that my realtor is actually with the DA's office and is conducting some type of investigation on him. He thinks that when we viewed the residence we were actually looking for drugs and drug paraphernalia (which is funny because the only things in his house were the filthy couch four tires and a whole lot of garbage). He even claims that he saw her at the local court house following him around. He has also decided that if my loan does not fund by tomorrow he is going to pull the unit off the market and cancel the entire deal(even though he can't really do that).

Somehow in the next few hours I've got to figure out how to get the necessary paperwork (without leaving my job), fill it out, get it to my agent, sleep for a few hours, and do a walk though at 1:00pm (even though I don't get off work until 5AM) BLECH!!! Hopefully that wack- job of an owner won't be there for the walk through but with my luck....

Anyway, please send your prayers and good thought my way cause I'm gonna need um. Thanks.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Young And Stupid Aint Just A Phrase

I guess you've noticed that we've been on a bit of a blogger break lately. I personally haven’t wanted to look at a computer outside of work!!

The other day my cousin brought up an incident that occurred back when I was a young fool in the Army and I guess I'll share.


You know the drill - read the bold if you dont have time to read it all right now.



Army Dayz~
I went into the army right out of high School
. I guess it was mainly because almost all of my family had been in the military and I was next in line. It wasn’t anything that I particularly thought about, it was just something I knew I was going to do...sort of expected.

Anyways, it was rough being away from home so long, but I got used to it. My first few days in boot camp I met a 40 year old sergeant - let's call him Sgt. Pops. Prior to my going into the military my mom and ex-stepfather had went through and ugly break up (more on that lata), so when I met Sgt. Pops, for some reason (I'll blame it on my youthful ignorance) I was convinced they would be GREAT together! I had even shown him a picture of my mom and he commented that she was gorgeous!
Sgt. Pops was always looking out for me. Whenever I'd get into trouble he'd offer to bail me out. I didn’t get into trouble much, but if I ever did he was always there to offer to help me out (I never accepted though).

He was always doing stuff for me that I'd never gotten from a father figure before. He was just a really cool guy and I saw him like a father. On one particular occasion he told me that I could come down to the Sergeants office in order to get a quick TV fix (we weren’t allowed access to TV's). I was sooooo excited I almost soiled myself!! LOL!

So after lights out, at approximately 11pm, I snuck my silly ass down there thinking I would get to watch a few shows and have some cool conversation with my "Pops". I can honestly say, thinking back on it, that was one of the stupidest decisions I've made in my life (a fact that Beg reminds me of often).

So I skipped my happy little naive butt down there and met up with "Pops". He gave me a hug and told me to sit on the couch. I sat down and immediately turned towards the TV. I remember asking him why the TV was on mute, and he just looked at me and smiled. I really started to feel uncomfortable at that point, but I just shrugged it off thinking I was being paranoid.

Sgt. Pops sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me deep. I swear, at that point I began to freak out inside. I couldn’t believe what was happening, but then I kept second thinking it and trying to rationalize out why he was being so touchy feely.
Then the sergeant started to lunge at me. I pulled back but he was much stronger than me, and I was quickly realizing that he was easily going to overtake me. Tears started to fall and I wanted to start to scream but I was petrified, and when he saw this he told me to “Relax. Just as he had started up again, God happened.

I tell you, God is sooooo good. As he was lunging at me about to do God knows what to me, there was a sound in the hall outside the door. Sgt. Pops got up, and went to the door to check it out. When he came back he told me to go up to my bunk and wait for him to come and get me, since he thought another sergeant had arrived early.

I ran back up to my bunk, covered my head under my blankets, and began to weep. I cried like a baby and I prayed like mad woman until I passed out from exhaustion.

I believe it was about an hour later that I heard someone moving around in the room. I peeked out from a crack in my blanket and saw Sgt. Pops waking up the private across from me (there were about 8 or 10 girls to a room – I was part of the last all girl Company). He thought it was me!!!

My fellow private (who I affectionately called Pooty-Booty, due to excessive flatulence) woke up and asked the sergeant what he wanted. He realized he had the wrong person and couldn’t risk her seeing him with me, so he told her to go back to sleep and he left the room.

Now a lot of you may say that I should've run to the top of the food chain and sung like a freaking canary on his sick ass, but consider this. I was a young, naive, emotionally jacked up kid. I was hella far from my family, I wanted to go home, and I didn’t believe that anyone would believe me if I told them what had went down. What's worst is that I really thought it was my fault. I thought that if I told anyone I would've gotten into trouble, and I would've ended up stuck there for much longer than I was already assigned to be, or maybe even go to jail (it was against the law for Sergeant to get with Privates).

The next day (and from that point forward) I avoided Sgt. Pops like the plague. He would try to corner me sometimes, but I always made sure I was with another private whenever he was around. At one point he asked me to be the mother of his kids (he had a 5 year old, 8 year old, and 15 year old!!) in front of another Private!!! I told him “HELL NO!” and he really didn’t bother me much after that.

Eventually Sgt Pops got his. Apparently he was screwing quite a few privates in my Company. Girls talk, so it finally got out and he had to go to court or something over it. I'm not sure what became of Sgt. Pops, but I'm sure he was removed from the base and reprimanded. There were just too many girls with too much dirt on him (I hear some of them thought they loved him and that he loved them...sad).

Always in love...unless you target and take advantage of extremely young naive girls, and in the process damage their self-worth and self-esteem.

Chops~

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Meet Me With No Panties On....Audio Post

This is the Songbirds first ever audio post! It was pre-recorded some months ago with all four Songbirds on the line (all talking at one point or another), and has now been transferred onto our blog!

Pretty much, if this post doesnt make you laugh, it'll scare the hell out of you because now you'll hear with your own ears just how insane we can get! And it's only the beginning....

this is an audio post - click to play

"Original Lyrics"
I was layin in the bed just as nice as you please
When I heard a knock at the door
I reached around and I put my robe on
And I said, "This my house!
I aint got to wear no robe!"
So I took the robe off
I got on up out the bed and walked over to the door
And opened it just as wide as you please
And you know what I told that boy?
I said, "Meet me...meet me...meet me with no panties on!"

Okay I know this post sounded waaaay too crazy, but realize that we warned you in our title, "Four lovely (and utterly insane) caged birds...."
I really doubt that you'll be able to figure out who the "main" Songbird is on this post! You'd be surprised! LOL!

A ~SONGBIRDS~ Collaboration

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

AWW HELL TO THE NAW!! (Chops Date File #1)

SPECIAL NOTE: PLEASE TAKE MY SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BLOG! A friend posed this question to me regarding her boyfriend of 6 months. He has never displayed any "gay" tendencies, but he is very very affectionate with everyone. Recently after dinner with him and his long time guy buddy (also straight), she witnessed her boyfriend giving his buddy a warm hug and a quick peck (kiss) on the lips. She made it very clear that he always gets aroused when in intimate settings with her, so much so that she cant even really fathom that he may not be fully straight. She's pretty convinced that he's just an affectionate guy! Please let me know what you think and if possible add a comment in the polls "comment space" or our chat box after you vote so I can understand where you're coming from. THANKS!!!
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Okay lovely people, you know the drill. I've highlighted the main points for those of you with a short attention span. Feel free to read the whole thing if you like :-)

**Please note that I have coined the phrase, "Aww Hell To The Naw" from the lovely and eloquent Mrs. Whitney Houston on the new reality show "Being Bobby Brown"**
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It was a very hot day on Saturday. I met up with a group of friends at the Greek Theater in Berkeley to enjoy a 9 hour Jazz Festival, with top artists such as Rachelle Ferrell, Laylah Hathaway, Kem, and Boney James!
Now, I dont want to sound pompous...what the hell! I was looking Goowd (better than good)! I had my hair all did up in spirals with a flower to the side, my pretty Aztec looking knee length skirt with my semi-dressy brown wife beater shirt on! Beg, can you say HAWT!!
So, at a certain point I headed down toward the bottom level near the stage (our group was sitting at the very tip top of the theater -closest to the hot blazing sun). I had to watch Rachelle Ferrell do her thing up close!
After watching her performance I began to make my way back up to the grassy area a billion miles away from the stage area. On the way up I noticed that the only men I seemed to be attracting were of the "geriatric era". You know, the ones 10 minutes away from needing you to bathe them and change their poopie diapers.
Anyways, I was blocking attacks all the way back to our set up on the hill when I saw someone I thought looked interesting. He had a nice frame (physically fit), nice face (which was partially covered by his hat). He had on jean shorts, tennis shoes, and this nice looking sleeveless sweater vest deal. He and his friend approached me and we all started to laugh about silly stuff, and of course I entertained them with my off-kilter wit.
The guy's friend's name, well, let's call him Brown. Well, Brown was really cool. He looked to be in his mid-30's. He happened to know all of the women I had met up with (they're all African American bay area lawyers) because he too is a lawyer.
His friend (the one in the hat), let's call him Slippery-G (you'll see why later) started to try to holla, so since I was beginning to get back out there on the "scene" I decided to throw the digits his way. We hung out the rest of the day, talking and laughing. It was fun! He told me how much he loved the movie, "Groundhogs Day" (one of my favorite movies EVER) and I told him how much I loved Whiskey. I'm just kidding. I wouldnt tell him that on the first day!! LOL!!

During our conversation he showed what a funny guy he was! He was telling me about how he didnt think anyone should ever mix wine and punch. He then started listing out all of the different drinks someone COULD mix, but not wine and punch. Then he quickly added, "Not that I'm a wino or anything." I must've laughed soooo hard! He was so good that he pretended with a straight face like he didnt know why I was laughing! I said, "You didnt say, 'not that I'm a drunk, or alcoholic'! No, you said, not that I'm a wino! Who says that today??!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!" He then started laughing along with me! Classic!

He could make his voice sound like he was from the south. He made it sound like an old southern preacher. I could see how it could get annoying if it was real, but I loved how he would clown around and start preaching in the middle of his sentences! What a jokester!!

So at the end of the festival we said our goodbyes and he promised to call me the next day in order to see when we can hook up before Tuesday (he had to fly to Europe for a week or two on business).

The next day I received Slippery-G's call. I'm not going to lie, his "funny" preacher voice was becoming a little annoying, but I let that go. He called to see if I wanted to hook up with him and go to the movies or something. I said cool. We ended up meeting up (a few cities away from my own) at Starbucks. I got there first so I ordered myself a Refresh tea and called Beg for some company.

As Beg can recount, I began to get a little nervous. I was really starting to get cold feet for obvious reasons. I started to panic, but Beg calmly reminded me that if he ended up being a freak I never had to talk to him again after today. Comforting enough.

As her reassuring words began to truly sink down into my subconscious, I looked out the Starbucks window to my right and I saw someone that closely resembled Mr. Slippery-G. I had to look a few times because this guy really resembled him, but it COULD'NT be him! I mean, for one thing, this guy was dressed like a 50+ year old man "trying" to look "hip". He was wearing a long silk shirt, tailored silky slacks, and the tipper...with shoes that closely resembled moccasins! You know, those soft leather slipper-like shoes that many of the 50+ generation wear? Yeah, well this guy was wearing the hell out of them.

I looked out the window at the guy a third time as he slowly approached the Starbucks and to my surprised the guy waved at me! What the HELL??? I went into shock, and started rambling into the phone, "Oh my goodness! It think that's him! How old IS HE????" AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!
Beg did what she could to calm me down before he walked through the door, then she hung up. Slippery-G walked up to me and gave me a big hug. We sat for a minute and talked about what we would do next. We decided to go to the movies to see "Wedding Crashers" (funny flick!).
As we walked to the theater (a few blocks down) I noticed that he walked with a limp. Not the hip replacement type of limp, but the, "I used to think I was a pimp" type of limp. I let that go too...for the moment. I had already made my mind up that I was ready to end the date because he was absolutely the opposite of what he portrayed the day before!

Anyway, on the way up the stairs to find a good seat, Slippery-G fell face first onto the stairs! His slippery slipper shoes were obviously not cutting it! LOL! Now I know it's mean to laugh, but if you would've seen how that man went down you would've been howling too!! The rest of the theater did! He was fine though, he made just one comment, "You werent supposed to see that." DUHH!! LOL!

We settled down in the theater and the flick started. It was cool for a second until the first funny incident occurred in the movie. Have you ever been annoyed by that ONE person in the audience right behind you that cackles like a doped up hyena, or maybe they sound like a cracked-out baboon? I have a good hunch it could've been my date "Mr. Slippery-G." He was so annoying that I wanted to take him out back and flog him.

Let's see if I can explain the laugh. Um. Okay. So it started out high pitched, like a little girl screeching at the top of her lungs, then it lowered into a kind of belching/shivering sound. It was one of the most horrendous sounds EVER!! People kept turning around and staring at us. I tried to pretend I wasnt with him, but every time he screamed...I mean, laughed, he would put his hand on my knee and pat it like he was close to falling down again and needed my knee to keep him in an upright position. I honestly felt violated and wanted to put that drink holder arm down between us as a barrier.

After the movie, as I was making my way towards the stairs Slippery-G asked me to wait up because, "Wow! I've gotta get the circulation back in my legs!! Ha Ha Ha!"

I laughed at that and kept walking thinking it was a joke, but when I turned around this fool was actually doing mini-squats in the movie theater isle to get his blood flowing again!! AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now some people may say I'm just way too nice, but I just didnt see anyway to leave at that point without hurting his feelings, so when he asked if we could get something to eat at TGI Fridays, I said, "Um...okay I guess."

At TGI Fridays we got a booth that he said was, "Too soft and cushy for me!" I laughed, but at this point I was sick of pretending to be amused by him. In order to avoid the uncomfortable silence I asked him a few questions about his life and he went on a tangent for at least 2 hours talking about himself. I think I could have actually soiled myself, fallen asleep, and disappeared under the table and he would've kept on talking about how wonderful he was and how bay area women are so sadidy and how they keep thinking they're "Champagne", but not realizing they're actually "lemon water." Whatever the hell that means!

Next we started talking about relationships and he asked about my last serious relationship. I told him a little about my ex, Mr Jacka$$ Circus Midget (for details go HERE , then go HERE for P2)I asked if he had ever been married before. He told me that he had been married for 3 years before divorcing. I asked why they divorced and he said it was because they married when they were, "Really, really, really young." I asked how old he was when he had gotten married and he said "26."

Now, I thought it was odd that he considered 26 to be "really, really, really young." I think it's young but not that young! That's only 3 years younger than m...er...I mean Beg. This comment sparked my ultimate curiosity.

I continued my probe and asked if he had any kids in that marriage and he got really uncomfortable. He answered that he had a daughter before getting married. I asked how old she was. He completely turned his head and looked guiltily in the other direction. I repeated my question and he finally answered..."TWENTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!" AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

I nearly gagged on my lemon water!!! I found a way to choke out the question, "Well how old are you?????????!!!!!!"



Once again I had to ask him twice before he would look me in the eye and tell me. "I'M FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD!!!"

Now anyone who's dealt with the "OG-TBY-AHOG-TDA" (Old Gangstas Tryna Be Young And Hit On Girls their Daughters Age) crew, you know that when they say 45 years old they really mean between 50 and 55 years old. AWW HELL TO THE NAW!!

Now my eyes were bugging out of my head at this point and I was really about to lose my lunch. Somehow I found the strength to keep it down though. I was out with a guy just a few hairs younger than my own father!!! The more I looked at him I was noticing #1 It's totally possible to have mistaken him for much younger (most African American people age very gracefully) and #2 How much I wanted to kick him in his basket head for being so deceiving!!

I pushed my anger aside and I asked him a very important question, "HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM???" To my relief and dismay he answered, "Mid to late twenties."

I say to my relief because I was beginning to think I was starting to look much older than my years, and I was dismayed because his answer meant that he was really on the prowl for young tenderoni's the same age as his daughter!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Dinner ended shortly after his "coming out", and when he walked me to my car he handed me his card so that I could email (aww) him (hell) while (to) he (the) was (naw!) on (ew) his (ew) business (ew) trip (ew) in (ew) Europe (ew)!!! I told him I'd be in contact and gave him a "C" shaped hug (intended to keep any body part -except the arms- from touching the other parties father-like body), and we parted ways.

Overall I had a very horrible date and it really has me apprehensive about ever doing it again! I'm still grossed out and I dont know how to make this creepy feeling inside go away! Ewwwwww!

So any-who, at least I know now that when he said "wino", when he needed to push the blood back down to his lower half after the show, when he started sounding like an old southern preacher, that he wasnt kidding around. So I guess he's not funny at all.


I dont know if I'll have any other dating files after this one for awhile. I'm pretty grossed out. We shall see. Excuse me. I have to bathe again to wash the old daddy-dirty off.

Always in love...unless you have the nerve to try to learn all about the younger culture, dress like the younger culture, hang with the younger people, hit on the younger women, and cant seem to make it up the stairs at the theater because you're wearing women's moccasins!! They have orthopedic shoes that work much better and you'll have the security of knowing that your feet will remain firmly planted on the floor...unless that hip goes out again! LOL! Jerk.

P.S. I apologize to any "mature" men or women that may have been reading this post and were inadvertently offended. 55 really isnt that old. But if you're 55, lurking around in the shadows, preying on younger women, while intentionally being elusive about your age and pretending to be a MUCH younger man, you deserve to be called a dirty old geezer, and you should have your jello privileges revoked for at least a year, and only one diaper changing a month. That'll teach you! But for the rest, I have nothing but love and respect for you!

***REMEMBER TO VOTE AND COMMENT ON THE SONGBIRD 7/19 POLL!!! THANKS!****

Lambchop (Chops)~

Friday, July 15, 2005

SELF LOVE ADDICTION

I don't really have a problem in this area but just in case you do I thought these tips might be helpful (lol). This is just part of a list that came from your friendly neighborhood Mormons on overcoming masturbation additction. I found it here.

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A Guide to Self-Control:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. Ja-me I don't think we can be friends anymore...Sorry.

4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you. Guess I better invest in some pajamas.

6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." Oh, you better stop reading right now then!

The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

Suggestions:

1. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.
Chops if you hear me yelling "stop" at anytime during the next few days don't wonder why.

2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

3. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

4. Be outgoing and friendly. Force yourself to be with others and learn to enjoy working and talking to them. Use principles of developing friendships found in books such as How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

5. Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape. Plan in advance to counter these low periods through various activities, such as reading a book, visiting a friend, doing something athletic, etc.

6. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have no black days. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months. Yes, avoid "black" days at all costs! Better yet, avoid everything black.

7. A careful study will indicate you have had the problem at certain times and under certain conditions. Try and recall, in detail, what your particular times and conditions were. Now that you understand how it happens, plan to break the pattern through counter activities.

8. In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

9. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool brief showers.

10. Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

11. Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

12. Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night. huh?

13. Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

14. Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

15. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

16. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep. hmmmm, ties...great idea!

17. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress. I guess that means a porn mag would be a bad idea.

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This post was written in humor and is not intended to offend anyone. I thank God that unlike the Mormon faith my salvation is not based on my own merits, failures, achievements, or shortcomings. If it was I would be on a very short one way trip to the "hot place" as Chops calls it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

GIRL FIGHT!

***First of all I suppose Ja-me and I owe Chops a very small apology for not announcing her birthday to the blog world (bad blog-mates!) but she seems to have handled it quite nicely herself.***

Chops has already talked about the beginning of her birthday so I'll cover the end....

Sunday, July 3rd (late night)

So after singing for a few hours and going to dinner(Chops will talk about that later..I think) we headed to "da club". In our usual fashion we arrived and hour later than originally planned at 12am (or right on schedule in CP time...LOL) Normally this particular club wouldn't have been crowded but it was the day before the 4th of July so it was packed. Luckily we knew one of the bouncers at the door and with a little encouragement and a small bribe (that chops has sworn me to secrecy about) we convinced him to let us all in. As soon we walked through the doors we realized that going to a club that was filled to capacity may not have been the brightest idea. After 15 minutes of pushing and shoving drunk, nasty, sweaty people we found the bathroom. We then had the pleasure of waiting another 15 minutes to get to the bathroom door (keep in mind clubs in CA close at 1:30-2:00 am and we had already wasted 30 minutes).


(Sidenote #1- Can someone please tell me when butt cleavage became the hot new thing? Half the females in the club had there cracks out for all the world to see. Guess that's just more proof that I've outgrown the hip-hop club scene.)

Okay, back to the story... While Je-Me and I stood in line the rest of the group went to get drinks. The two chicks in front of us were kissing and having a competition to see who could get their a** to shake the fastest while the guy behind us practically fell over trying to see the show. When it was finally my turn to use the bathroom a group of girls walked into the (single stall) bathroom ahead of me. I'm usually not a confrontational person but I had some (bathroom) business to take care of so I walked in with them. I tried to nicely encourage them to leave the but they were drunk and weren't trying to hear it. At this point I was thinking I haven't had a fight since I was 12 years old, there are several of them and only 2 of us, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna ruin my outfit fighting in a bathroom. Suddenly the guy in line behind us came into the bathroom talking s**t to the group of girls. I though that it was rather odd that a guy was in the women's bathroom but I was glad that I didn't have to deal with them anymore. As the drunk girls left I realized that the person I though was a male was actually a female. The rest of the girls I came with were also back from the bar and standing in the hallway (sans earrings and any other jewelry that could have gotten in the way during). I slammed the door (because I was in a hurry to get to the toilet) and then I heard screaming and banging. Apparently the drunk girls were mad that I had slammed the door and were arguing with the girls that I came with. By the time I exited the bathroom everything had settled down and one of the drunk girls came over and apologized.

After narrowly avoiding a fight we walked directly into another one. Two guys and a bouncer were fighting near one of the exit door so we ran down a flight of stairs to a blocked off hallway to avoid being crushed by the crowd upstairs. When the fight was over we found the (less crowded) Reggae room and sat down near a window. One of the guys who had been fighting was passed out in the middle of the street surrounded by cops. We though he was dead but after a few minutes he got up. We spent the rest of the night dancing with vertically and aesthetically challenged men (most of the cute men were more interested in the other guys at the club than the women).

(Question #2- Why are so many reggae songs just remakes of hip-hop/ R&B songs that have been played to death on the radio?)

Since no one was hungry after leaving the club we decided to find something else to do. One of Chops' co-workers suggested that we go to her cousins house party. My last house party experience was not a positive one but since everyone else wanted to go I went along. When we arrived someone noticed that all of the vehicles parked in front of the house were old school- low riders or Harleys. As we walked inside we noticed that most of the people in attendance had tattoos (on their necks and faces) and were wearing scarves. The only furniture in the house was a fold up chair, a big screen TV, and a China cabinet with a 40 oz. of Budweiser prominently displayed on the top shelf. Needless to say we were all a bit nervous and ended up leaving after 15 minutes. The whole experience made me wish I had paid closer attention during Spanish class.

Anyway....Happy 25 for the 4th time Chops!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

R.I.P

REST IN PEACE J.SPENCER

Friday, July 08, 2005

Chop's Birthday File #1...Gay On My Birthday

QUICK QUESTION: I really would like to know what happened to Curvy's blog. Anyone with details please let me know!!
On to the post.........................
I'm going to break up the events/exploits of my birthday in separate files, otherwise I'll never get to it!! So this post accounts for the morning of my birthday (July 3rd). I've appropriately labeled it "Gay on my birthday". You'll see why....
Sunday, July 3rd:
My attempts to go to church at 8:30am failed since I didnt get to sleep until about 5am (the night before I celebrated my birthday early by going Salsa dancing in the City with my girl Moe, Kris and Jrod. We had so much fun!!)!
My mom and H (step-dad) got to the house at about 11am to take Kris and I to breakfast. As soon as my mom walked into the house she was nagging me about running late (she should be used to it by now!).
When we got to the restaurant everything was cool. She talked to Kris about life and I talked to H about my cousin. Then it happened. What always happens. She brought up my NOT being in a relationship.
reenactment of the conversation:
Chops: "Yeah, It's really cool that TT (cousin) is traveling a lot even though she's not really happy with the amount of time she's away from home...."
Mom: "So speaking of that, why aren't you dating anyone Chops?
H: "On that note I'm going to the bathroom." (He gets up swiftly with a look of utter discomfort on his face)
Chops: "I gotta go to the bathroom too."
Mom: "No you dont, Chops! We have to talk about this!"
Chops: "Yes, I do. Bye."
I stayed in that tiny bathroom as long as I possibly could, knowing that mom would drill the hell out of Kris before my return. I wanted to tell Kris not to say anything, but I thought, "screw it"!
When I got back it seemed like the moment had passed, everyone was cool again, and it was time to go. But of course, once we got back into the car it started up again....
Mom: "Chops, why dont you want to date anyone? Why aren't you dating? Are you gay?"
Chops: "You know what? Yes. I'm gay. Now can we move on?" (Kris laughs out loud)
Mom: "Really Chops. What's the problem? Dont you like guys? I cant imagine why you aren't dating anyone. You dont want to be alone and barren...tons of cats and all that. You know, H and I wont be around forever to keep you company."
Chops: "I told you. I'm gay. I dont want to date men. I only want women." (Kris' really howling now!)
Mom: (flustered and upset) Fine then! Fine! You're gay! I'll hook you up with Mari then! She's gay and she'll be glad to hear that you are too. You can be together...all gay and doing gay stuff! (H turning up the radio in order to disperse this craziness. He looks as though he's having a very unprofessional enema.)
Mom: "TURN THAT RADIO DOWN NOW!!"
Chops: "No. Mari is way too old for me. I like 'em young and tender."
Mom: "Age isn't important Chops! I'm going to hook you and Mari up since you're GAY!" (mom just about screaming at me)
Kris: (joining in to make light of the situation) "I could hook you up with a friend of mine. She's gay too!"
Chops: "Cool, Kris. Is she cute? I only like 'em cute!"
Mom: (beyond pissed off) "Fine then, Fine!!! You're gay! Fine! Be gay!!" (turns her head, and refuses to speak to me for the rest of the ride home)
Back at home when she left she gave me this half ass'd hug and then went to Kris and gave her this big loving hug. LOL! She was pissed all day. H kind of apologized under his breath. LOL! No worries though. I thought it was funny! At least she didnt bring up Beg's name again! LOL!
My mom thought Beg and I were lesbian lovers since we started going to "Salsa" lessons and all these other clubs together. She once asked me if Beg and I go to clubs where they let, "Girls dance with other girls real close like." My mom is seriously in need of help!
To clear it up, my mom really doesn't think I'm gay. She just wants to push me to a point where I'll go out and date someone...ANYONE!! But once I do what she wants, she'll have a fit because the guy I settle for isn't good enough! Crazy! She also knows Beg isn't gay. She's known Beg since we were in Jr. High and knows that she isn't gay...and knows if she was gay she wouldn't be interested in me, and vice versa.
Needless to say, my birthday morning was not the highlight of my day. It does get better though so keep an eye out for follow up birthday files!
*** SPECIAL NOTE: Let me just state for the record that I am NOT gay. Beg is NOT gay. Ja-me is NOT gay. Kris is NOT gay. Also, my mom is really a sweet woman overall. She's just very adamant about my being happy, and is convinced that I cant be REALLY happy unless I'm with a man. She just doesnt realize that I'm happy now! ~~~ Oh! No noodles were harmed in the making of this post.
Always in love...unless you keep hounding me about being gay, then wont accept it when I tell you what you obviously want to hear (whether it's true or not)!!!
Lambchop (AKA) Chops~

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Monterey Files - Exhibit #1 - "Sugar Bear"

Okay I know this is sooooo late, but I wanted to give some excerpts from our Monterey trip! I'll try to do a new one every few days. This is #1...the Sugar Bear incident.

So the main reason I had suggested we go to Monterey for our Meatfest Getaway is because I had to sing at the Monterey Blues Festival that Friday. The performance went really well and I had a blast!

After we left the stage I said my goodbyes to my band members (this was the last time we'll ever perform together) and then went out to find Ja-me and Beg. We walked around a bit and I had a lot of folks coming up to me and saying hi and how the band did such a good job!

Then an older black kat came up to me and shook my hand. He was tall, dressed in ancient gear, and was missing about 85% of his teeth. He told me his name was Sugar-bear from the Chi-lites. He was hilarious. This was pretty much how the conversation went:

Sugar: "Girl you got natural talent. I can help you. I dont know if you know who I am, but I'm Sugarbear from the Chi-Lites"

Me: "I know the Chi-Lites! You guys are great!"

Sugar: "Yeah. I used to be in there but we broke up over some bullsh*t! Anyways, I can help you. I'm going back out to Amsterdam soon I can get you out there. I'm doing it big. You know I hate to admit it but I used to date Chaka Kahn back in the day and we broke up over some bullsh*t! But that's another story. But yeah, I can get you to Amsterdam."

Me: "So are you saying you need a back up singer?"

Sugar: "You aint listening to what I'm telling you!!! I told you, I dated Chaka Kahn! I'm saying I been to Diana Ross' house!!! Daina Ross' house!! You hear what I'm telling you??? Do you???"

Me: (a little frightened at his outburst) "Uh...yeah. I hear you."

Sugar: "So take this number and call me cause I can get you out in Amsterdam. I got connections all over. This number is to my place in Santa Barbara though."

Me: "So you live in Santa Barbara?"

Sugar: "You aint listening to what I'm telling you!!! I said I'm from here to Amsterdam, baby!! Here to Amsterdam!!! Amsterdam!! I'm a writer, producer, artist. All of that! I've been in Diana Ross' house!! AMSTERDAM...!!!"

BEG & Ja-Me insited that I mention that above his phone number he wrote his name and right beneath it he wrote in chicken scratch, "Ex Chi-lite". LOL!

Hmmm. Now is it just me or is he overly excited about Amsterdam?? Anyways. That was Exhibit #1. More lata.

Always in love...unless you get really close to my face while you're talking and you're missing hella teeth so you have absolutely no spit control!!!

Lambchop~

FYI>> I call our outings Meatfests because we all have meat nicknames that no one uses but me. Beg is Bacon, I'm Lambchop, Ja-me is Porkchop, and our silent member Kris is Veal. Now you can all wash your dirty little minds and start out fresh and clean! LOL!

Monday, July 04, 2005

July 3rd...Happy Birthday to ME!!!!

Yippie! Made it to another birthday! Another year older! I had a great birthday weekend. I'll tell you about it lata. Just wanted to thank Ja-me and Beg for coming out yesterday and hanging with me and my other friends to celebrate my b-day! Hope you had fun, and I'm glad we didnt have to fight them girls in the bathroom after all!

Always in love...unless you try to run up on one of my girls and we have to scuffle!!
Lambchop~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Monterey Meatfest Pics Part 2

And More Pics....





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