I asked for it.

After (another) very long hiatus this gifted blogger's post has inspired me to start writing again.

So, a while back I mentioned that I was trying to decide if I should buy a home close to my job, further out, or not at all. The biggest problem was that it is almost impossible to purchase a house in the bay area (in a decent neighborhood) for under $500K. Even the smallest hole in the wall studio is just under $300k. I have terrible road rage so a 4 hour (round trip) commute was out of the question. I finally decided that any city within 30-40 minutes of my job was acceptable.

I won't go into detail about the homes and condos that my realtor showed me but suffice it to say that most of the places within my budget were crap, crap, and more crap. Anyway, after a whole lot of searching I found a place that looked like it had potential. My realtor and I let ourselves in to what was suppose to be a vacant unit. The first thing I noticed was a terrible odor (kind of like burnt Bologna and Mayonnaise) that I attributed to the lack of ventilation but boy was I wrong. Stretched out on the dirtiest living room couch I've ever seen was a naked, fat, greasy, pasty white man sleeping the day away. Once he was up and dressed my realtor asked him a series of questions regarding why he was there. He looked at her grunted, scratched himself and walked out the front door without ever saying a word. I suppose the average person would consider a naked fat man a bad omen or some other crap but hey this is California and affordable property is hard to come by so... let's just say I put in my offer immediately after leaving.

(perhaps I should clarify...Strange things happen to me on a daily bases so I took the dirty naked man as a good sign... No Chops I was and am not sexually attracted to fat naked white men.)

I'd heard so many horror stories about problems with loans and other first time buyer issues that I was expecting the worst but oddly enough I hadn't experienced any problems until today. My realtors assistant called (and woke me up) all upset and said that I had to submit several documents that I've had trouble tracking down within 14 hours. Ummm Kay so I'm suppose to get all this shit together in the next 14 hours (it was 6pm when he called) and I'm on my way to work a 10 hour shift so you do the math. Yeah, that's gonna happen. NOT!! He then called two additional time to reiterate the importance of my compliance in this matter.

Later that evening (or I guess I should say a few hours ago) my realtor called to inform me that the reason for her assistants frantic state was that the freak I'm buying the condo from is a cranker (meth-user). During a drug induced stupor he convinced himself that my realtor is actually with the DA's office and is conducting some type of investigation on him. He thinks that when we viewed the residence we were actually looking for drugs and drug paraphernalia (which is funny because the only things in his house were the filthy couch four tires and a whole lot of garbage). He even claims that he saw her at the local court house following him around. He has also decided that if my loan does not fund by tomorrow he is going to pull the unit off the market and cancel the entire deal(even though he can't really do that).

Somehow in the next few hours I've got to figure out how to get the necessary paperwork (without leaving my job), fill it out, get it to my agent, sleep for a few hours, and do a walk though at 1:00pm (even though I don't get off work until 5AM) BLECH!!! Hopefully that wack- job of an owner won't be there for the walk through but with my luck....

Anyway, please send your prayers and good thought my way cause I'm gonna need um. Thanks.

Posted in: B.E.G's Posts