Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Joy Of Being A FREAK MAGNET!

And the party never stops....

Seein' as how the other birds have been stricken mute, I'll go again.

As per my last post, I have just recently moved into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVE! The longer I'm here the more I adore it.

I was really blessed with the moving process and I met the tenants on both sides of me and they were all very cool. The neighbors on my left side are 2 gay men in the mid to late 40's bracket who live together, but I dont think they're really out of the closet since one of them refers to his mate as his "brother". I dont know, maybe this is a new term for life partner, or significant other in the gay community. Either way, they seemed really cool.

As a matter of fact, the first one that I met was Que-ball (the bald one). He happened to be coming down his stairs when I was moving a large piece of furniture up the 3 flights of stairs with one of my dearest gal-pals, Moe.

On Que's way down he stopped and asked if we needed his help. We both said, "sure!" and dropped the large item on the ground so that he could carry it on up the stairs for us (hell, if he was offering we were takin'!). His heart was really in the right place, it really was, but unfortunately his body wasn't cooperating.

As soon as Que laid both arms around the furniture, he let out this blood curdling, girly-I'm being chased by the zombie dancers in the Michael Jackson thriller video- scream! My girl Moe and I were startled, and asked him if he was okay. He just replied, "Tendinitis".

We told him to forget about it and picked up the large furniture again and started up the next flight of stairs. He stopped us again in our tracks expressing how much he wanted to help us, and um...maybe his "brother" could help..."Oh, no. That's right, my brother has a broken foot." (Lovers spat maybe???)

We told Que not to worry about it, I mean, we had made it this far, we could certainly make the move on our own. He insisted on guiding us up the stairs. I'm still trying to understand the point of this. We both have eyes, we both have feet that function, our motor skills are top notch at this point in our lives, why the hell would we need someone to tell us we're about to come upon another flight of stairs, or that my front door is directly behind me??? Pointless.

Anyway, Que "helped" us with that item and then left. A few hours later I met his partner (brother), who introduced himself. He came up and told me his name and the name of his son. Then he said, "Um, I think you already met my, um, um...."

"BROTHER?" I finished for him.

"Uh, yeah." He replied. Then he waddled on up the stairs (broken foot) and left me to complete my move.

Now I wont lie and say that I wasnt a bit glad that my closest neighbors were gay (= not interested in me!). I'm a naturally paranoid person (which I'm working on) and I'm always sure that most guys have ulterior motives when feigning friendship with women. When you least expect it, the catch you off guard by going in for the kill (=sexual innuendo, unsolicited attempts at fondling body parts!). Needless to say, I was quite pleased!

So imagine my surprise today when I walked up and found a yellow note stuck to my door (which is directly across from theirs). Ja-me just happened to be with me helping me move yet another load of crap into my already cramped apartment.

I read the letter to myself then passed it on to Ja-me to experience for herself. I'll let you do the same (word for word with a couple of personal thoughts that I had while reading it, as well as interpretations, reading between the lines):

"Hello Chops,
I'm Que, your neighbor across from you. Just dropping a line to say hello. I hope you are settled in by now.
(***Chop's thought: "He really should have stopped right here"***)


When I first saw you I could not help but notice how beautiful you are and it made me want to get to know you to see how equally beautiful you probably are on the inside (=You're cute. I want to screw you and see if you're still cute afterwards).

If you are not presently involved in a relationship, I would like to take you out to dinner or go to San Francisco and enjoy it's beautiful (***Chop's though: "No, this isnt a typo, I write it how I see it"***) while we walk talk and get to know each other (=If you want, I can spend some money on you, you know...wine and dine you so you realize how great I am, then we can screw or I'll take what I spent on you out of your a$$.)


My number is 1-800-psycho-undercover-stalker. Have a blessed day!(= I can hear you playing Christian music through the wall and I think this'll probably get me to first base.)
And by the way, you have a very nice Volvo.... (***Chops thought: WTF??!!!!"***) (=I've been watching your every move. Dont think for a second that you're alone. I'm making a people coat out of human skin, and may or may not be interested in trying out yours, while I quote: "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!" from the movie "Silence of the lambs")
Que"


So I guess my initial impression was completely incorrect. I suppose he's not gay and that his "brother" is really his brother. Hmmmm. My bad. This really sucks. It really sucks because now I realize that this fool has been watching me. He obviously knows my comings and goings. Somehow he knows the car I drive (which he so freakishly brought up for no logical reason other than to freak me the hell out), and he obviously knows I'm single since I just moved in and havent had many men over (which is going to change immediately for appearance sake).

Unfortunately we share a few walls too. My bathroom wall is also his bathroom wall I think, and my living room wall is another one of his walls. It also sucks because now I'm really paranoid about this fool watching me come and go out of his doors peep hole, and listening to my conversations. I never noticed how thin the walls were until now! I can hear him walking around!!

Well if I run into him I plan on just being up front. "I got your letter, and I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. I think you're really cool though and like I said, it was really flattering! Ummmm I gotta go walk my friends chia-pet now, so ummmm, bye!" We'll see how this all turns out.

Why the hell do I attract such freaks and weirdos??!!! I swear, I must have a sign that illuminates whenever a freak comes my way that reads, "I love freaks! Please come stalk me, harass me, be my big ol' suga-daddy!!"

That's it. I'm moving to Tibet.

Always in love...unless you're a stalker freak with tendinitis who doesnt have the back bone to be a man and approach the stalkee head on. Instead you lurk in the shadows like a sissy prick. Freak!

Lambchop~

8 comments:

Bullet Proof Diva said...

*giggling @ pink elephants*

umm poor thing! I hope you won't have to pull the psycho chick trick out...pretend to be a little mentally unstable so that he won't bother you. I used that with a dude in my apartment complex years ago...it works! LOL

Shawn said...

What is up with you and the older, crazy, stalker men? Your body must secrete some special pheromones.

ManNMotion said...

I thought it was a nice note, at least until the part about your car. Since the guys who approach you aren't working out, what is it you do want, and would you give him a chance, or would you be willing to approach him, or create a situation where he would approach you?

princessdominique said...

We never know who we're going to attract. Get mace.

B.E.G said...

Just say the word and I'll handle him for ya....All I'll need is a can of beans, a rope, and a small brown dog.

B.E.G said...

...or else I could just go bang on your bathroom wall and scream "give it to me daddy" some more :-)

Jdid said...

i gues you must give off some special pheromones that attracts them. maybe its your perfume lol.

and i'm sorry i draw the line at gay guys being alowed to use the word brother. i just do lol.

and how do you know he still isnt gay, he could be bi, hmmmm

Jez Chill said...

Hey Lambchop, did you run into him again? I'm wondering how the story ends. I'm assuming you couldn't be too harsh to turn down his invitation, since you live so close. OTOH, you can't avoid responding because he'll be persistent.

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